The 2-Cows School of Economic Theory from a Global Perspective

Economic models have long been explained with cows. Thanks to the internet, experts from all over the world (who wish to remain anonymous) have contributed their particular insights to this ongoing study...

SOCIALISM; You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay for the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want 3 cows.

GERMAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow, and produce the milk of 20 cows. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market it worldwide.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

SWISS CAPITALISM; You have 5,000 cows. None of them belongs to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.

INDIAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You worship them.

BRITISH CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

MALAYSIAN CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You ask for a 250 million ringgit loan from the government so you can breed them on a large scale. With the loan as collateral you purchase several condominiums for your cows so they will vote for you every election.

IRAQI CAPITALISM; Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

ISRAELI CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows and you lead them to graze on your neighbor's land. Then you claim that land as yours and build cowsheds everywhere.

PAKISTANI CAPITALISM: You have no cows. You buy some from China by selling the milk the Americans gave you. Now that you have cows, you can tie bombs on them and send them to India.

NIGERIAN CAPITALISM: You have no cows but you send emails to everyone indicating that they have won 2 million cows in an electronic lottery. If they believe you, you ask them to pay $20,000 upfront for transport and quarantine costs.

GREEK CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows borrowed from French and German banks. You eat both of them. The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. The IMF loans you 2 cows. You eat both of them. The banks and the IMF call to collect their milk. You are out getting a haircut.

[NOTE: This collection was culled from various sources, with minor editorial adjustments & illustrations added by me.]