Thursday, February 14, 2019

GOD, SEX & THE TAO (updated)

“The ultimate truth is so simple; it is nothing more than being in one's natural, original state. It is a great wonder that to teach such a simple truth a number of religions should be necessary, and so many disputes should go on between them as to which is the God-ordained teaching. What a pity! Just be the Self, that is all.” ~ Sri Ramana Maharshi

Kent W. Dahl
Leaving aside the Tao for now, God and Sex are both loaded, explosive words that have ruined lives, divided families, ignited wars, and destroyed entire civilizations. This is why I tend to avoid using these two contentious words. There are so many different ways to approach these concepts – and just as many ways to bypass them altogether. But in this instance I choose to label the ineffable mystery of our origins and destiny, God, if only for the sake of controversy...

IMAGINE MY SHOCK when I discovered, at 19, that I was God.

It was confusing, to say the least. Outwardly I looked the same as I always did – but inwardly I was seeing everything through different eyes. I realized that I existed in all things as sub-atomic awareness.

Everyday “inanimate” objects came alive as mineral or vegetable consciousness, responsive to focused attention. When I turned my eyes skyward to admire the stars and planets, I was conscious that what I was seeing was actually an externalization, a holographic projection of the awesome beauty and mystery of my own being. When I later stumbled on an exclamation attributed to Pythagoras (“Astonishing! Everything is intelligent!”), I understood perfectly what he meant.

Everyone I saw around me was essentially an aspect of my extended Self – not my superficial Ego but my Core Self. The astounding diversity and ingenuity of my multitudinous permutations of form and function inspired deep awe and reverence.

The ineffably sublime, the absurdly ridiculous, the ultramicroscopic, the supertelescopic, the metagalactic, and the paracosmic. All of it was me. Indeed, the individual ego dissolves the instant it experiences the sacredness of gecko shit and the equanimity of snowcapped mountains as part of the same continuum of wonder.

This mystical initiation made it impossible for me to ever again subscribe to anthropocentrism (which the dictionary defines as “interpreting reality exclusively in terms of human values and experience”). Inevitably, the use of alphanumeric symbols and language has led us to a male-dominated evolutionary dead-end – one in which we destroy everything beautiful and natural around us in our psychopathological pursuit of illusory power.

Only much later did I learn that what I had experienced was the death of my social ego, my persona. In its place arose a transcendental identity, reconnecting me with a vivid remembrance of having always existed in a world without beginning and without end.

And yet, in my interactions with people around me (parents, friends, strangers) who saw only my physical form - and who insisted on relating to me as a 2-dimensional social ego, devoid of mystery and existential depth – I became aware that I could easily slip back into the role I had played up till now, as a human being transiting between adolescence and adulthood.

Perhaps if I had chosen to be born in India or Tibet, my parents may have taken me to a temple where some priest or lama might have understood the situation immediately and suggested that I be placed in their care for special grooming as a newborn divine human. Instead, my parents took me to a madhouse where, for 3 months, I was left to learn how to navigate multidimensional realities, with the help of other inmates.

“You have to go out of your mind to come to your senses.” ~ Timothy Leary

It was a truly instructive period in my early life, and in those 3 months I learned far more than I could possibly have, had I spent 3 years in some university. The physical world around us, I discovered, is akin to a grand illusion maintained by consensus – by the acquiescence of millions of humans hardwired to believe that their everyday lives are the only empirical reality, and that the realms of the divine, as well as the diabolical, exist somewhere else (if at all) and not within our own minds.

I began to notice that the spark of divinity – and its shadow aspect or terrible twin – remains dormant in most humans until activated by some powerful experience. However, few have the necessary attention span or focus to nurture and fully integrate it. So our intimations of divine or diabolical consciousness are usually evanescent, fading from memory the moment we snap back into mundane awareness. That’s when God (as well the Devil) are banished to the mythic realms, as mere superstitions or external, unseen forces – where they can be invoked by predatory priesthoods as a means of behavior modification through religious indoctrination.

Celibacy and abstinence from sensual pleasures have long been considered prerequisites of the spiritual path. Sex and God have been made into seemingly antagonistic and antonymous concepts. Adam and Eve’s fall from grace and banishment from Eden are euphemistically attributed to their disobedience when they tasted the Forbidden Fruit, against God’s specific instruction. A closer reading reveals that the real issue was their discovery of the pleasures of recreational sex.

Well, that’s the Old Testament God for you. A judgmental, punitive, authoritarian male despot who views pleasure as sin, and pain as virtue; who sees wise women as witches and beautiful ones as temptresses. An angry, warlike, almighty tyrant who demands absolute loyalty and blood sacrifice. Who loves all creatures great and small – yet consigns some to eternal perdition and neverending torment.

Was this really an aspect of my Godself? I was prompted to do a little research on the God of Abraham, variously known as Yahweh, IHVH, Jehovah, Ialdabaoth, Zeus, Deus, Jove, and later Allah. The Hebrew version of the Old Testament, I discovered, was a paraphrase and summary of a much earlier, far more detailed scripture from Sumerian times, called Enuma Elish (When the Gods Walked the Earth).

In Hebrew the word God appears as Adonai (Lord) and sometimes Elohim – a plural reference to godlike entities involved in designing ecosystems and cultivating intelligent life within the galaxy, and perhaps beyond. Mystical literature (e.g., The Urantia Book and J.J. Hurtak’s Keys of Enoch) describes the Elohim as “Paradise Sons of God.” As I pondered this I had a vision of a primal supernova emanating rays of energy and consciousness in all directions.

Alone instead of All One

Each ray acquired individuality as it separated from its Source and had the potential to become a new star and condense into a multitude of planetary systems. I experimented with altering the spelling of Son to Sun – and it made even more sense. I was reminded of the rainbow effect of passing a beam of light through a prism. This is how One becomes Many.

Along with individuality came the potential to disconnect and disengage from everything beyond our ego fields, thereby reinforcing the illusion of separateness. Unplugged from the morphogenetic field or collective mind, it was easy for us to feel more and more isolated – alone instead of All One - to the extent that we no longer remembered where we originated, the source of our being. Eventually we even began doubting if something called Source existed.

To assuage the terrifying sense of eternal solitude, we began an internal dialog with ourselves, and eventually split into bi-polarity – one pole taking on the Yin or Feminine aspect, the other the Yang or Masculine aspect. Thus was formed the electromagnetic spectrum – the extrovert electrical male interacting with the introvert magnetic female in an endless dance of attraction and repulsion.

In the state of polarized consciousness we learnt to individualize as egos, and then specialize – just as atoms become different components of the anatomy as they form dense electromagnetic fields which gain mass and become molecules, then cells.

Evolution is driven by cell permutation and diversification, as differences get emphasized over similarities. Variations on a theme begin to occur and recur, according to synergetic-energetic-geometric principles that govern the manifestation of physical form.

We have only recently begun to recognize and identify these universal principles or mathematical laws of form. The golden or phi ratio rediscovered by early scientist-mystics like Pythagoras is what inspired a gifted 12th century Italian mathematician named Fibonacci to realize that all growth proceeds spirally in accordance with a predictable numerical sequence: 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34… the next number being 55, the sum of the two preceding it, and so on… to infinity, perhaps?

Through an understanding of hidden structures gained by a close study of fractal geometry, cutting-edge thinkers have been repairing the broken link between female and male brains, between intuition and intellect, between mystical experience and the scientific method.

Meanwhile back in the realm of mythology, I found mytheology

So where does that leave the jealous, vengeful, punitive God of Abraham? It turns out that Yahweh (whose name in Hebrew is spelt IHVH) is by no means the Supreme Being or Prime Creator. In fact, IHVH is a collective of Archons inhabiting the Material Universe (or at least the other planets in our Solar System, according to Gnostic teacher John Lamb Lash).

Archon is the Greek word for lord, judge, or ruler. In short, external authority. From the Gnostic perspective, the Archons are really just a freakish species of Mind Parasite that preys on organic lifeforms through "neurological hacks," manipulating our perception of reality through fear, thereby thwarting our evolutionary potential and hijacking our true destiny as autonomous aspects of Divine Intelligence.

The Greeks, particularly the Platonists, called the Archons demiurges and named Ialdabaoth as the young demiurge associated with Gaia or Earth. Some Gnostic scholars attribute the formation and seeding of the physical world to Ialdabaoth – and believe it was Ialdabaoth who expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. (John Lash has a very different and far more intriguing interpretation of the Gnostic creation myth, too complex to discuss here, which he eruditely expounds in his seminal 2006 work Not In His Image).

Ialdabaoth was, it turns out, a parthenogenetic experiment conducted by Sophia, the Research and Development department of Prime Creator, Inc. The story goes that the newborn god was so deformed and monstrous to look upon, Sophia kept it quarantined in a Null Zone where it grew and began exploring its godlike powers of sub-creation, utterly unaware that it was merely a localized phenomenon – and by no means the whole shebang. Truth is often stranger than science fiction.

In effect, we have a bastard, feeling-unloved god believing itself to be God Almighty and imposing its arrogant, immature and temperamental will on everything around it. Sound familiar? That’s you and me on a bad hair day! Alas, this happens to be the monolithic image of God imprinted within the psyche of those who subscribe to the Abrahamic Agenda.

So when I broke free of my social ego and reconnected with extradimensional aspects of my Self, I spontaneously regained access to data from well beyond the Null Zone - where information flow is closely monitored and controlled by the agents of the Archons, to keep subscribers addicted to and imprisoned within the recycled ego-reinforcing melodramas they experience as their everyday lives. That’s right, folks, we’re talking about The Matrix.

Liberated from layers of old programming, I became the Metaprogram, and then the Metaprogrammer or Architect. I could have stopped there and ended up trapped in the realm of Mind in a holographic labyrinth. But my physical atoms, the wisdom of my cellular being, became animated with the remembrance of Sophia, my mother, who joyfully took me back into her arms and proclaimed me beautiful and true – not only as a soul, but also as a physical body.

Gods, like everyone else, experience infancy, adolescence, and maturity. In view of this, it is apparent that the psychic oppression of religious dogma is really just a problem of humans with domineering mothers who haven’t outgrown their belief in a childish, insecure, ill-tempered deity who is prone to approve of some things, and disapprove of others.

Experience becomes Knowledge or Gnosis as maturity sets in - and ultimately blossoms into Wisdom

Those who imagine God as an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent father figure tend to associate sex with deeply-ingrained guilt feelings and anxiety about getting caught and expelled from paradise. Indeed, the Book Religions warn of the grave perils of sexual intercourse unsanctioned by holy matrimony. Judaism, Christianity, and Islam emphatically preach that “illicit sex” is a damnable offence in the eyes of God. The taboo against recreational (as opposed to procreational) sex has spawned widespread neuroses and psychoses and perpetuated a culture of false piety and hypocrisy. Sex has been the subject of countless off-color jokes and the ruin of many careers, especially among politicians and priests. Sex has been equated with dirt – but what is dirt if not the earth itself, the soil from which springs sustenance and abundance?

Dragon vs Phoenix by Alex Grey
The suppression of sexuality has, in fact, only served to turn it into an obsession, giving rise to aberrant attitudes toward pleasure wherein sex becomes confused with power - with dominance and submission, conquest and colonization, rape and pillage, with the exploitation and enslavement of women and children. By distorting and perverting our understanding of sexuality, stripping it of its sacred dimensions, power-hungry predator priesthoods have been able to maintain a deadly stranglehold on human consciousness, keeping it confined within a prison built of psychological and emotional blocks, with invisible bars of erroneous belief and fake morality.

How many generations of humans have been bludgeoned into submission to external authority with the evil teaching that pleasure is sinful - and that the wages of sin is death without hope of resurrection or salvation? Spiritual pilgrims of all faiths have been misled into renouncing sex if they desire union with God - their own Core Self. Others are promised unbridled sexual pleasure should they willingly martyr themselves in the name of Allah.

I consider myself entirely fortunate that I have never, even for a fleeting moment, experienced sexual guilt. Even as a child beginning to explore the secret pleasures of autoeroticism, it was a sense of excitement and wonder I felt, never shame. Instinctively, I knew the social taboo against sex was diabolically wrong, and that the key to true enlightenment and liberation was to be found in activating the kundalini, the primordial life force symbolized by the coiled serpent asleep at the base of the spine. Indeed, the awakened kundalini unleashes the creative urge when it isn’t channeled towards procreation.

Everywhere I looked I found the hidden clues: in the binary code of lines and circles, the playful dance of wind and water, sky and earth consummating their desire, the courtship rituals of dragons and unicorns.

Life itself is erotic, a paean to Aphrodite and Eros… the sacred portal to our own original and ultimate divinity… our sovereignty as bodies, minds and souls… our precious humanity. I experience sex as a yearning to fuse with other energy fields – the impulse to reintegrate with all aspects of our Original Self.

To be fully present in the body, surrendered to love, heart wide open, tingling with vitality, blissfully merging with another warm, quivering, welcoming field – becoming one again and whole, and therefore holy. That’s the foretaste of paradise that lures us back into the beauty and truth of wholly conscious physical embodiment.

Godly sex as sexy gods and goddesses – that’s the path to balance, health, sanity, and integrity

The duality of Good Gods versus Evil Gods is finally reconciled when we see the evil in good and the good in evil – just like the Yin-Yang. Bringing focused attention to the joy of the moment, holding back nothing, dark secrets transmuted to self-aware humor, turning the static to ecstatic, dynamic, harmonic equilibrium. Amazed and amused by the miracle of our limited physical vehicles in the limitless context of the metaphysical, easing comfortably into our beautiful bodies and activating them with tender kisses and caresses, we go beyond confusion to fusion. No longer alone but All One again.

And this is where the Tao comes in

The first line of the first verse in the Tao Te Ching states: “The Absolute Tao cannot be named.” It is ineffable, beyond concepts or words, nothing and everything, beginningless and endless, the Great Void or Primordial Chaos from which all formal existence issues. The Tao is a field of infinite potentiality beyond life and death, being and non-being. It cannot be seen but can be felt; cannot be dissected or discussed – but it can be embraced, enjoyed and celebrated.

The Tao is the silent backdrop against which all cosmic dramas are enacted. Our stories – and we are all stories – unfold in a many-storied universe that resembles a gigantic server farm where individual as well as collective memories are stored. It works along the lines of social networking sites like facebook and twitter: each entity is free to create an account, present a public profile, share photos, videos, opinions, interests, discuss current affairs or philosophy, play trivial games or build virtual communities, trawl pixel oceans for food or sex, interact with many or just a few.

Each timeline becomes an expression of the individual who has the ability to post and delete, expose or hide; the timeline documents the journey of each user through time and space. There is a delicate balance between anarchistic freedom and authoritarian control – a constant push-and-pull between users and shareholders, between follower and followed, between private and public, between active and passive involvement.

Digital technology has introduced a plethora of refreshing and stimulating new metaphors with which the mind can apprehend the mystery of Arthur Koestler’s ghost in the machine, explore fact and fantasy, navigate the known and the unknown, the spontaneous and the predictable, the mechanical and the magickal.

In the numinous realm of the Tao, creationism and evolutionism are reconciled, either/or is replaced by both/and. We are divine and human, animal and angel, magnificent and insignificant. In our canine aspect we are God; in our feline we are the Devil. If you can love both cats and dogs, you have integrated the diabolical and divine within your psyche.

The jigsaw puzzle is now complete. Welcome home!

Earth Angel by Josephine Wall

[First posted 3 October 2013. Reposted 22 July 2015 & 1 June 2016]

Monday, February 11, 2019

Resurrected at last, after 28 years in my filing cabinet!

Labies & Genitalmen, we proudly present...


[First posted 12 August 2011, reposted 24 November 2013]

Absolutely fascinating... the behavior of a hecatonicosachoron in 4D/3D space!

[Source: American KabukiA CELESTIAL MYSTERY SOLVED ~ The Secret to an Unknown Human Power by GW Hardin]

 Hecatonicosachoron rotating in 3 Dimensions
Hecatonicosachoron inner cell rotation in 3 dimensions

[First posted 19 April 2013]

Saturday, January 12, 2019

The Power & Value of Feedback... (repost)

Since I began blogging in December 2006 I've been dipping into other blogs and leaving the occasional comment. Yup, I believe in the Golden Rule. All bloggers love comments. It shows people are reading your output and responding to it. It's also a sneaky way to lure random visitors to your own blog.

One night, I stumbled upon a comment I'd left ages ago on someone's blog... and I was struck by the fact that I had almost completely forgotten what I said. Most times the comments are written on the spur of the moment, scanned for typos, and then published. And that's that. Anyway, I felt prompted to trace a few comments I had scattered here and there along the way, like some digital age Johnny Appleseed, and archive them. Re-reading them after weeks or even months had passed, I found many worth sharing (even if I say so myself!) Why not compile some of the more interesting ones into a blogpost? Why not indeed!

A friend ruminating on Death and Taxes in his blogpost:

This was my comment:

Unsubscribing from the 3D illusion of Decay, Debt and Death.

There are moments when I can happily contemplate living forever... and times when I would be quite happy to die immediately! In either case, the trick is to nullify the grimness and gravity of the grave - to laugh in the face of the unknown - we really don't have much choice. The alternative is to wallow in melancholy and moroseness and to see Life itself as a curse rather than a blessing. As a kid I occasionally allowed my thoughts to stray towards the inevitability of someday witnessing my parents' deaths - and I'd shudder at the horrible notion of never seeing Mum or Dad again.

Ironically, after watching my mother endure five years of dialysis and being subject to other medical ignominies (with a meter running all the while which eventually enriched the medical profession by at least a quarter million ringgit - that's right, folks, not only do you pay death duties, you also get heavily taxed as you're dying) I found myself encouraging her to let go, to allow the currents to take her from the pain and suffering of her bodily existence... I found myself promising her that she would be safe and well protected on the other side of the veil... and, thinking about it, I have served as Angel of Death for quite a number of people over the years!

Often, all one requires is a little reassurance that all of it has been just a colorful drama, a fabulous movie indeed, but the REAL LIFE awaits outside the theater. Indeed, it's like a show within a show within a show (or a trial within a trial :-)... What's evident is that when the Book Religions displaced Ancient Wisdom, they deprived humanity of any in-depth understanding of all the different dimensions in which Consciousness dwells - the only recent cultures that paid any attention at all to the scientific study of Death being the Egyptian and Tibetan; so it is to them that we must turn for some guidance to the realms that reside just beyond the EXIT.


You live in a hologram designed to harvest your vital energy to fuel a machine of destruction and enslavement. However, every atom that exists is a fractal of the entire universe and is supercharged with infinite potential and cosmic intelligence. The part of you that is immortal and indestructible (your Godself or Paramatman) is constantly attempting to wake you up from the robotic trance most humans are born into. Heed these signs. They are clues that will ultimately lead you out of the labyrinth and into true freedom. Good luck on your vision quest!

"I hope something comes out of 2012 or we'll have to wait till 2112."

You know, most of us are passive consumers of reality - shit happens and we bitch about it. Then one day a light bulb flashes on above our heads and we experience a eureka moment - like Pythagoras who exclaimed: "Astonishing! EVERYTHING IS INTELLIGENT!!!"

What that presumably meant was that he suddenly became conscious of the primordial consciousness permeating the quantum space-time within sub-atomic dimensions - more poetically expressed by the mystical knowing that the Divine Dwells Within Our Innermost Core. In effect, we are creators with a small 'C' who will eventually graduate to being Creators with a big 'C'- and then there will be nobody to blame when shit happens because it's only our own shit!


The first fictional being that pops unbidden to mind who has exerted the greatest influence on me, I must confess, is Edgar Rice Burroughs's Tarzan/Lord Greystoke. Indeed, I often think I've modeled my own life after the Lord of the Jungle who, amazingly, is also Lord of the Manor.

A close second might be Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes - but, much as I enjoy the occasional bit of sleuthing, I found Holmes's misogynist Old Boy ways (hanging out the whole time with his sidekick Watson) rather off-putting. Same goes for Henry Higgins. Seems to me that our "education system" has done a thoroughly fine job of dumbing down children born in the late 1970s (that's right, when Dr M was education minister) But, alas, the same can be said about Britain - I meet some dazzlingly ignorant young people from there.

Postscript: After 50 years of serious probing and research I have been forced to the inevitable conclusion that a character I profoundly admired (from the New Testament, no less) and who exerted extraordinary influence on my own character development - is not only fictitious but an intentionally manufactured icon inserted into the collective psyche by pioneers of mass mind control. That's right, folks, I'm referring to the world's most successful fictional character, Yeshu Ben Joseph aka Jesus the Christ :-)


Political systems on this planet are essentially a facade for old-style warlordism - wherein the baboon with the longest fangs and loudest roar (and who controls a large army of samseng,* uniformed or otherwise) invariably ends up being Boss Baboon.

In effect, Might-Is-Always-Right (as the UK/US-Israeli Gang have clearly demonstrated in recent days). Same applies to the Baboon Nazional party who have had such a long run ruining the country it's very hard for them to contemplate giving up their power to anybody now or anytime.

The ones largely responsible for propping them up are the comfortable, well-educated middle-classes whose obsession with financial success turns them into potential Ananda Krishnans, Vincent Tans, and Patrick Lims (got enough money can buy the garmen wat?). BN's prime appeal is to the lowest common denominator of primeval self-interest. Donkair de udder flers, aku cukup makan sudahlah!**


The phenomenal world is like a magic lantern show of moving images that ceaselessly change and distract from the ONLY authentic task at hand: clearing our neural and emotional circuitry so that we can individually emerge from our cocoons of illusory powerlessness and victimhood. As each of us achieves Buddhahood and other degrees of spiritual maturity, the historical nightmare on this beautiful planet will abruptly end.

Bloggers (and most humans for that matter) are like gossips. Always a new sensation to obliterate yesterday’s scandal. Another day, another disaster… and for businessmen, it’s always busyness-as-usual… until the first heart attack or stroke.


The Battle at Wounded Knee, Malaysian style. Goreng pisang seller. How totally appropriate! It just wasn’t this guy’s day. But they say “Bapak borek, anak rintik” (Like Father, Like Son) - and who’s the “Bapak” of the Polis Di Raja Malaysia? Isn’t it the Home Minister? Is he at Home??? If you get mauled by a vicious dog, you find out who the owner is and file a suit.

Your ANALysis reveals a loose sphincter, Mat Salleh

It may once have been fashionable, indeed de rigueur in journalistic circles, to sound worldly-wise and cynical, Mat Salleh, but your busyness-as-usual mindset has become part of the problem, not part of the solution.

Are you too old to have ideals? Must you reduce everything in life to the Bottom Line by viewing the world through that primly puckered aperture in your nether regions? Do you truly believe you can get away with pretending to be "objective" in an observer-created universe? What comes across in your opinion piece is that you subscribe to a belief in politics-as-usual, failing to see the significance of such a massive turnout for the 10 November march.

And, in this instance, what's genuinely important isn't the expected Umno infighting - or the rulers' sophisticated mummery - it's the fact that so many Malaysians from across the racial and social spectrum overcame their own fear and inertia to show the BN that they will no longer be intimidated by the police nor will they be placated by pious platitudes and empty promises of clean and efficient government.

Without the police roadblocks and the turning away of dozens of buses at the outskirts of KL, the crowd on Saturday may well have exceeded 100,000 - and that's a REAL phenomenon when you consider the climate of fear Malaysians have lived under for 20 years. I'm so glad I was there to witness so many Malaysians break free of the shackles of their own fear. And FEAR is the only power any oppressive government can wield over people - the power to terrorize and paralyze them via the mass media. You are doing us all a gross injustice by belittling this simple act of bravery consciously undertaken by at least 50,000 Malaysians.

*samseng = hooligan, thug
**Donkair de udder flers, aku cukup makan sudahlah! = Après moi le déluge!

[First published on 24 November 2007, reposted 2 September 2013]

Sunday, January 6, 2019


“Kit Fong, pay attention!”


“Kit Fong, you’re late again!”


Was it the insidious cultural influence of having been born in the days of the Empire when names like Archibald, Horatio and Montgomery sounded easier on the ear than Ching Chong, King Kong or Ping Pong?

Whatever the cause, the effect was psychologically debilitating. I secretly dropped the Fong. In my mind I was Kit Lee. I had no problem with the name “Kit” which means “outstanding hero” in Chinese [傑]. That I could relate to. But the way the “Fong” was written suggested “fragrant” rather than “magnanimous” – and the idea of being a “fragrant hero” sounded namby-pamby and sissy. At eight I was understandably defensive of my masculinity.

It took about 12 years to grow my third ‘E’ – but we’ll discuss that later.

Meanwhile, having been impressed by Christopher Lee’s performance as Count Dracula and as an Egyptian priest in The Mummy, I was thrilled to learn that “Kit” was also the pet form of “Christopher” – which entitled me to see myself as a hologram aspect of that highly distinguished horror-film actor.

Of course, nobody had heard of holograms yet. But already I had a vivid sense of the micro-macro, “as above, so below” fractal universe that constitutes the cosmic context of our beings.

Soon enough, I dropped the “Christopher Lee” nonsense. Anyway, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable with the meaning of “Christopher” – bearer of the Christ child (at the time I had no idea what "Christ" actually meant, thought it was a cuss word).

Then I came across a book on numerology and spent weeks working out the values and attributes of everybody’s name I could think of. I decided that my name vibration had to correspond with the mystical 7, and the easiest way to manage that without radically altering my given name was to attach an extra ‘E’ to the Lee.

Furthermore, “Kit Leee” added up to a 7 numerologically as well as typographically. And so the long tedious task began of persuading people to accept my third ‘E.’

At the same time I started feeling uneasy about wearing a name that could identify me with any specific ethnic group on this planet. I didn’t feel particularly Chinese, since the language was no less exotic to me than Greek or Hebrew or Serbo-Croatian. My only acquaintance with Chinese philosophy, primarily Taoist, was filtered through the minds of westerners like Alan Watts, Richard Wilhelm and Carl Jung.

Was I a cultural banana, yellow outside and white inside? Appealing as that metaphor sounded, I sought the broadest human perspective rather than wave flags, shake rattles and shout slogans proclaiming my loyalty to any football club or genetic lineage.

I toyed around with anagrams and read everything backwards. Having stumbled upon the Latin word “resurgam” and discovering that its meaning resonated with my own obsession with resurgence or resurrection, I playfully began to call myself Magruser Eeel or M. Eeel for short (inspired partly by an obscure French musician named M. Frog and partly by an inexplicable fascination with the name “Melchizedek” which contains three ‘E’s, an ‘L’ and an ‘M’).

Magruser, apart from being Resurgam spelt backwards, had the dubious benefit of sounding vaguely Scottish. As a teenager I’d had recurring reincarnational dreams of being a drummer boy at the head of a kilt-wearing highland regiment. These dreams invariably ended with my getting a musket ball in my belly, collapsing on the meadow, and feeling my spirit evaporate into a cloudless blue sky.

Then I found out that “Tricky Dick” Nixon had a White House staffer named Jeb Magruder (pictured right) – which kind of soured the name “Magruser” for me. I finally realized nobody could take a name like Magruser Eeel seriously, though I must admit it bears a certain spiritual kinship with Forrest Gump.

Now this probably comes across as the eccentric preoccupations of a totally self-absorbed young person. Indeed I was in danger of becoming a solipsist – someone who believes that “all real entities are modifications and states of the self.” In other words, a victim of “artistic egoism” for whom the universe exists only as a private playground. After all, I was very much an adherent of the Socratic dictum: “Know thyself.” And how else does one go about “knowing” oneself if not through experimenting with the process of naming and renaming?

The act of naming underlies all epistemological workings. Epistemology is just a fancy word for studying the basis of knowledge. For instance: by describing a person as “hero” or “villain” or “astronaut” or “junkie,” we are in effect defining how others will perceive or receive him or her. A “very determined” chap is worthy of public admiration; however, a “mulishly obstinate” fellow tends to elicit sighs of psychic fatigue from those around him. It’s the classic case of having to choose between a cup half-empty or half-full.

At any rate “Kit Leee” gradually got accepted because people kept seeing it in print over a period of years when I was active in theater, music and journalism. Most people were addressing letters to “Kit Leee” – except my mother, who found it hard to acknowledge the validity of my surname “Leee.” Finally I had my first book published – and when she saw my name in all its glory on the cover, she capitulated.

How did my father feel about it?

I explained to him that the Lee clan consisted of hundreds of thousands of individuals who weren’t remotely related – including a whole bunch of Lees that weren’t even Chinese. By becoming a Leee I was merely extending the line and marking a departure from tradition. My father took it quietly without argument. He has never been prone to intellectual discourse, being a practical man who prefers to deal with the nuts-and-bolts of existence. As far as he was concerned, I would always be his son, no matter what I called myself.

I began making enquiries about officially changing my name to Kit Leee. Lawyers informed me the deed poll process was fairly complicated and costly – AND the rub was, Malaysian laws require that one’s birthname be retained on the identity card as an alias. No way. I didn’t want to sound like a gangster: Yong Tow Foo @ Ah Foo @ Fooyong Hai @ Towfoo Pok.

This is bullshit, I thought. Surely we have the right to choose whatever form of identification feels comfortable to us. How dare the State try to keep our personalities from evolving!

At the bank I was unable to get an ATM card issued with the name Kit Leee. “Kit Lee” was permitted but “Kit Leee” tak boleh. My very sensible argument that, in terms of security, “Leee” was far more effective than “Lee” – because I was probably the only one on Earth with such a surname – was answered by blank looks and firm shakes of the head. Not even a smile.

Later I was delighted to learn I wasn’t the only Leee on Earth. While reading a biography of David Bowie, the ultimate chameleon of pop iconology, I came across the name Leee Black Childers, who was at one time executive vice-president of Bowie’s MainMan label. Aha! There are at least two of us, I thought, elated. Imagine my surprise when I discovered there are actually THREE of us, including Leee John, the soul singer (left).

So… why couldn’t I leave well enough alone?

Why did I have to embark on a whole new campaign to persuade people to address me as ANTARES? What on earth does “Antares” mean, anyway? Is it Greek? Spanish? Sanskrit? Did I find it in a book? Who gave it to me? Anyway, who gives a fuck…

I’m by no means the only one who has periodically felt the compulsion to alter the course of my destiny by changing my name.

Amunhotep IV turned his reign into a far-reaching navigational beacon by becoming Pharaoh Akhnaton. Samuel Langhorne Clemens achieved literary immortality as Mark Twain, in the same way that Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, a quiet mathematician, insinuated his imaginative genius into the public realm by posing as Lewis Carroll, author of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass.

Marion Morrison fared much better as John Wayne; and Robert Allen Zimmerman may well have remained a gas-pump attendant in Hibbings, Minnesota, had he not decided to strike out for New York and seek his fortune as Bob Dylan. What about Issur Danielovitch? Even Michael Douglas would have had difficulty spelling his famous father Kirk’s birthname!

Andy Warhol would probably not have bothered creating iconographic posters of Norma Jean Mortenson had she not agreed to be billed as Marilyn Monroe. Would you be as interested in Luisa Ciccone’s sex life as you might be in Madonna’s? Do you think somebody born Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta can possibly make it in show business - unless she has the gumption to change her name to something catchy like Lady Gaga?

How about Ramli bin Puteh? Ramli who? You mean P. Ramlee (left) – the chap who successfully integrated Indian (Ram), Chinese (Lee) and Orang Puteh (P) elements into his own embodiment of the post-colonial Malay artistic genius? And if Prince Siddhartha hadn’t undergone his vision quest and transformed himself into Gautama Buddha, our spiritual legacy would have certainly been far poorer.

It isn’t only individuals with exaggerated ego insecurities who habitually drop names. Entire countries have been known to do it too. In 1939 Thailand dropped its ancient moniker of Siam, perhaps in protest against that Rodgers & Hammerstein musical, The King and I. Myanmar lost no time shedding its Burma tag when SLORC oozed into power. The USSR was dropped for CIS or Gorby-knows-what in 1991. Yugoslavia is now referred to as “the former Yugoslavia” or “the Balkan States” (though the area remains a hopeless mess of hostile ethnicities). Then Czechoslovakia dropped its name - and the country broke in two.

Bangladesh was once… does anyone recall? And we’ll not mention the African nations at all except to note that names there have been dropped so feverishly the mapmakers can’t keep up. This name-dropping malaise caused Malaysia to lose its Malaya (which means “hills” in Tamil and “freedom” in Tagalog).

But coming back to this ANTARES business: it wasn’t an easy decision, I’ll have you know that. Especially since years of effort had already been invested in establishing a third-E trademark for my work as that weird “Kit Leee” personality. And to now go through the exercise of dropping yet another name felt like a petty exercise in triviality, with no relevance to the larger issues of existence.

Yet I believe it had to be done. I can provide an absolutely sound rationale for my idiosyncratic proclivity to drop names that no longer serve. Let’s put it this way: whether you describe yourself as a Batu Arangite, a Penangite, a Muarian, a Kampung Buayanese, a Malaysian, an Asian, an Earthian, a Milky Wayfarer, or simply as I AM THAT I AM pretty much determines the parameters of your thoughts and deeds. A caterpillar can’t easily proceed to butterflyhood if it insists on and persists in calling itself a grub.

Names carry very specific vibrations. Notice how Americans prefer the informality of being called Bob instead of Robert, Jack instead of John, Ted instead of Theodore, Dick instead of Richard; whereas Canadians and Brits generally prefer that you address them by their “proper” names. Notice, too, how dignitaries tend to be extremely offended should one omit their lengthy titular appendages in official correspondence.

Imagine how peeved the Germans initially felt when American advertising wizards suggested they call their Volkswagen the Beetle… or, even worse, the Bug. Well, the admen’s advice was perfect for the freewheeling zeitgeist of the booming postwar automobile market. Even a pop music combo named after this particular insect proved phenomenally successful! I wonder if I might sell more CDs if I renamed myself "Nyamok" ("mosquito" in Malay)...

Recently I met a couple of women who introduced themselves to me as Chong, their family name. Chong & Chong. Tan & Tan. Cheech & Chong. Johnson & Johnson. Fraser & Neave. Fang & Claw. Proctor & Gamble. Hem & Haw. Bumwiggle & Himmelfucker. Long live the Lees! Down with the Leighs! You’re a disgrace to the D’Cruz name! Such blind loyalty to the clan trademark is incomprehensible to me. It suggests that one has only one essential function, that is, to propagate one’s bloodline.

Some say God has 9,000 names (or is it 999,000?). Maybe his favorite pastime is name-dropping too? With his nearly infinite hoard of names, God could well be the biggest Name-Dropper of all time. Hi, how’s it going, Al?

Let me assure you, the name “Antares” perfectly describes my present function in the human as well as the cosmological context. “Antares” came to me during a star-alignment ritual – a meditation on connecting vertically with the stellar realms, rather than just horizontally with mundane aspirations. Subsequently I did a little research and found that Antares is a binary stargate located in the heart of the Scorpio constellation, visible as the brightest star in the southern skies. In Greek the name means “counterforce to Mars” (Anti-Ares). Mars or Ares is the symbol of War or Division; it is also the symbol of the Masculine Force. Mars rules the field in battle as a sword, in farming as a plowshare, in medicine as a scalpel. So the counterforce to Mars would be Love, Venus, the Feminine Force, the Goddess Principle, the harmonizer, integrator and unifier. Which is exactly how I perceive my contribution to the greater community and the universe. No longer the combative hero, the David who vanquishes Goliath with a well-aimed slingshot – but as the reconciliator, the interlink between divergent realities and values.

Remarkably the word antara in Sanskrit means “connection” – and in Malay it is used as the preposition “between” as in antarabangsa (international). Indonesia’s national news agency is called Antara. Deeper research indicates that antara is related to antahkarana – the rainbow bridge linking heaven to earth, celestial to terrestrial experience, the transpersonal to the personal.

I like that. I’m tired of being regarded as the renegade, the bad boy, the enfant terrible, the critic, the dissident. I would much rather be viewed as the Zone of Overlap between Spirit and Matter, between the sublime and the ridiculous. The traditional antagonism between polar opposites can be transmuted by a focused, intentional act of renaming. No need for US versus THEM. Inevitably it's US plus THEM equals WE. Today’s “working class” becomes tomorrow’s “ruling elite” and vice versa.

The Wheel of Fortune or Karma or Dynamic Evolution forever spins. Behind, beyond and above the din of cash registers and children’s excited squeals, and the loud laments of parents whose pockets have just been picked, one can hear the spontaneous cackle of the Trickster, Hermes or Thoth, the Cosmic Clown – who laughs not so much in cruelty but in the playful spirit of one who has known joy and sorrow and no longer plays the game of Snakes and Ladders. It is the lighthearted laughter of one who suddenly notices the projector beam and remembers he’s at the cinema watching the latest boxoffice spectacular… phew, no need to crap your pants, folks! It’s called “special effects” – but, boy, is it scary!

So call me Antares. If it’s a formal encounter, you may include my ceremonial titles of Avalokiteshvara (a name I picked up in Tibet many lifetimes ago) and Maitreya (a spiritual rank conferred upon me on 9 November 2009). In any case, Kit Leee the Fragrant and Outstanding Hero will live on in old friends’ and relatives’ memories – or as a cheque-receiving device (even though I can't remember when I last received a cheque in the post).

As long as we inhabit a competitive holographic world fueled by money, driven by paranoia, suspicion and fear – instead of life-affirming acceptance, love and perfect trust – I must accept the blank uncomprehending looks of bank clerks and bureaucrats as part of the outgoing reality. Not everyone can respond to freeform jazz improvisations. Many feel safer within the Euclidean framework of the Status Quo – just as members of the Flat Earth Society continue to fear falling off into Deep Space if they venture too close to the edge.

However, there’s room for everyone and everything under the Sun (if not ours, some other distant Sun). Those who keep saying “There’s no room for this, no room for that in our society” are control-freaks possessed by archaic demons in their own brain circuitry. The Master Yeshua assured us: “My father’s house has many mansions.” Which is a poetic way of revealing that there are worlds within worlds, dimensions within dimensions; everyone has a seat reserved at the heavenly feast, so don’t worry, be happy.

And the day will surely dawn when the only form we have to fill is the one that pleases us most.

Then I can revert to signing off as ANON – which happens to be an anagram for ONAN. Well, I think it’s better to be Onan the Masturbator than Conan the Barbarian, no?

[First published in Journal One, 1996. Updated & reposted 7 May 2011]