Saturday, August 17, 2024
Reflections on Death, Resurrection, and the Afterlife
Weddings and funerals are major social events in every Orang Asli community, bringing everybody together - just as they are in every other community - obviously because they are markers in the cycle of life and death. At Bayo's funeral on June 5th, 2007, I listened to the lay preacher (a Temuan from Tanjong Malim Calvary Mission) recite the last rites just before they covered the tiny, hastily knocked-together plywood coffin with earth.
Bayo's family is one of two in Pertak Village who converted to Christianity, probably in the 1980s, before the Orang Asli Affairs Department began taking a dim view of missionary incursions (apart from Islamic) into Orang Asli communities.
"Let this be a reminder to us all," the lay preacher intoned, "that our existence on this earth is only temporary. What God gives, God also takes away. But even death is temporary, for our souls are immortal; and those who believe in Jesus Christ shall live forever in Heaven."
It's been a long time since I heard such outright nonsense uttered. I drifted out of earshot and let the brief ceremony proceed. The lay preacher was merely parroting a doctrine handed down a hundred generations. Few question these pious platitudes, because nobody I know has returned from the grave to report on the afterlife (apart from a few who survived near-death experiences and whose stories have been recorded).
True, the entire basis of Christianity revolves around the belief that Jesus was bodily resurrected from his tomb and appeared before the Magdalene and the Apostles on what is now known as Easter Sunday.
However, the Koran explicitly disputes that the Master Jesus was actually crucified. "Another took his place," the Koran says - and this view is supported by the account of the Christos Incarnations recorded by the oracle, A'shayana Deane (initiate of the Melchizedek Cloister Emerald Order), as well as many other esoteric writings. But as it all boils down to a question of belief and faith, it's pointless to get into a heated debate on this issue, since opinions widely diverge on the subject.
The Orang Asli concept of the afterlife isn't all that different from the Christian version - except it doesn't require believing that Jesus is the only begotten Son of God. The physical form is only our fleshly baju (clothing), say the Temuan elders. Our roh (soul) does not die and already exists before we are born. Indeed, there doesn't seem to be much difference - apart from terminology - between what animists believe and what Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, and Buddhists claim to believe. The common thread is the idea that the physical form is temporary, and the spiritual essence immortal. Now that is difficult to dispute, seeing as how plants, animals, and humans all go through a specific lifespan and then wither away before our eyes.
What distresses me, however, is that this devaluation of physical existence tends to make humans careless about the natural environment, Mother Earth, that gives rise to and supports their being. It makes a big difference whether people regard their homes as permanent and bequeathable - or only rented, and therefore temporary. Why invest so much effort in beautifying a rented property when, at any moment, you might get evicted by the owner? Would this explain why the Earth has been so badly treated by her human tenants?
When generation after generation is told by professional priests (regardless of denomination or sect) that their sojourn on Earth is but temporary, that their true home is in the afterlife, can you blame humans for not taking proper care of their bodies - and, by extension, their earthly home? This sort of "teaching" also serves to placate the impoverished masses who might otherwise decide they've had enough of being exploited and oppressed by the "ruling class" and join forces to overthrow the Management (a scenario that has occurred several times within recent history, but invariably it's a case of "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss" as Orwell depicted so memorably in Animal Farm).
Add to this the Buddhist and Hindu teachings of karma and reincarnation (which some interpret as "fate" or "predestiny") and you have a ready-made excuse to shrug off other people's misfortunes by saying, "Oh well, it's their bad karma that they got napalmed by the Americans."
Excuse me, but I'm inclined to view America's military adventurism as the result of an egocentric and opportunistic foreign policy rather than the workings of geopolitical karma. Bad management can be identified and redressed - and each citizen of every country shares the onus of restraining their leaders from gross, power-intoxicated misbehavior on the world stage.
And if we each paused for a moment and consciously decided to wholeheartedly appreciate and esteem the natural beauty around us - instead of taking it all for granted as we seem to have done for generations - then, perhaps, we may begin to realize that we lose absolutely nothing by investing our energy in making our earthly sojourn as heavenly as possible. So what if each of us can only enjoy it for a brief lifespan? Indeed we may discover that when life on earth becomes truly paradisal, we might decide to extend our visas indefinitely (instead of complaining that "life's a bitch"), thereby making translation to an abstract notion of Heaven merely optional.
Many of my friends have been interested in the idea of Ascension for years - though nobody appears to know exactly what the process entails. Some believe they can accelerate it by becoming vegan or by abstaining from sensory stimulants like caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol. They cling to the words of the Ascended Masters and secretly aspire to attaining similar spiritual status. Quite frankly, I seem to be looking at it all through the "wrong" end of the telescope in that I clearly remember what a joyous accomplishment it was to finally be able to inhabit a physical vehicle and explore reality in a dense body with all the miraculous sensory organs we have evolved over the aeons.
In this respect I'd much rather identify with the Descended Masters. Having experienced physical existence on this incredibly beautiful and boundlessly fascinating planet many times over (I've certainly had multiple flashbacks of parallel incarnations over the years), I've opted to adopt Earth as my base of operations and my permanent Home.
[First published 8 June 2007, reposted 1 February 2012, 25 April 2022 & 10 March 2023]
Friday, August 16, 2024
Is the universe a fractal? ~ by Amanda Gefter (repost)
WRITTEN ACROSS THE SKY is a secret, a hidden blueprint detailing the original design of the universe itself. The spread of matter throughout space follows a pattern laid out at the beginning of time and scaled up to incredible proportions by nearly 14 billion years of cosmic expansion. Today that pattern is gradually being decoded by analysing maps of the distribution of the stars, and what has been uncovered could shake modern cosmology to its foundations.
Luciano Pietronero: "It's fractals, fractals all the way!" |
Cosmology is founded on the assumption that when you look at the universe at the vastest scales, matter is spread more or less evenly throughout space. Cosmologists call this a "smooth" structure. But a small band of researchers, led by statistical physicist Luciano Pietronero (pictured right) of the University of Rome and the Institute of Complex Systems, Italy, argues that this assumption is at odds with what we can see. Instead they claim that the galaxies form a structure that isn't smooth at all: some parts of it have lots of matter, others don't, but the matter always falls into the same patterns, in large and small versions, at whatever scale you look. In other words, the universe is fractal.
It is a controversial view, and one that sparked an intense debate over a decade ago. Since then, astronomers have surveyed ever-greater numbers of galaxies, taking larger and larger samples of the universe. Now the biggest galaxy survey ever and a brand new map of the universe's dark matter are adding fuel to the fire. At stake is far more than the way galaxies cluster. A fractal universe could undermine cosmology's most basic assumptions. "All of the observations we make depend to a greater or lesser extent on the idea that the universe is homogeneous," says David Hogg of New York University, who leads a team of physicists that disputes Pietronero's view.
This idea that matter is spread more or less evenly throughout the universe is embodied in Einstein's cosmological principle. Einstein formulated it after publishing his general theory of relativity, which describes how the distribution of mass bends space-time and creates gravity. It allows cosmologists to use the equations of general relativity to describe the geometry of the whole universe. As a result it has led to a picture of a universe expanding uniformly from the big bang and in which cosmological measurements have defined meanings.
Fractals allow Pietronero to paint a very different sort of picture - one in which the irregular distribution of matter that we see around us never evens out into a smooth structure, but repeats itself at ever grander scales. Fractals are familiar enough: we see them in the branching of trees, the curves of coastlines, lungs, turbulence and clouds.
No matter what scale you look at them, fractal patterns look the same. Think of broccoli: a tiny branch looks much the same as the whole vegetable. Zoom in or zoom out, the structure looks the same - exquisitely detailed, never smooth. Fractals can be beautiful to look at, but when it comes to galaxies it may be a subversive kind of beauty.
Certainly the universe does not look smooth. Some regions contain clusters of matter; others are virtually empty. Hundreds of billions of stars group together to form galaxies, and galaxies congregate in clusters. Clusters assemble into colossal structures called superclusters that can stretch out for 100 million light years and look uncannily like fractal patterns.
Even superclusters string together in long filaments and sheets that stretch like ghostly cobwebs across an otherwise empty sky. The Sloan Great Wall, for example, which was discovered in 2003, spans more than a billion light years. These filaments and sheets seem to encircle huge voids of empty space. The voids range from 100 to 400 million light years in diameter, making the whole assemblage appear as an immense, glowing lattice punctuated by wells of darkness.
No one disputes that the universe is far from smooth on relatively small scales - by which cosmologists mean thousands of light years. But Hogg's team is convinced that if you zoom further out, smoothness reigns.
"When you're looking at the size scales of galaxies, groups of galaxies, clusters, superclusters and filaments, it looks like a fractal," says Hogg (pictured right). "But once you get larger than all of that, then it starts to look homogeneous." What has convinced him is his team's analysis of the latest data from the Sloan Digital Sky Survey, the largest 3D map of the galactic universe so far. His team insists that the map is proof of smoothness. The fractal camp, however, are sceptical. In fact, they say the Sloan observations confirm what they've been claiming all along.
It might appear to be deadlock, but at least with the Sloan survey the two sides can agree what they're disagreeing about. For years Pietronero and his team argued that the statistical methods mainstream cosmologists were using to establish homogeneity were flawed because they start off by assuming that matter is evenly spread. The team was mostly ignored until 2004, when Hogg and astrophysicist Daniel Eisenstein of the University of Arizona in Tucson spent a summer in Paris with Pietronero's colleagues, cosmologists Francesco Sylos Labini of the Enrico Fermi Centre and the Institute for Complex Systems, Rome, and Michael Joyce of the Pierre and Marie Curie University, Paris.
"We argued every day about fractals," Hogg says. "Those battles raged over lunch and coffee and finally convinced us by the end of our visit that we should be doing the analysis as they say." When they returned to the US, Hogg and Eisenstein applied the fractal team's methods to a sample of 55,000 luminous red galaxies mapped by Sloan. They found that the galaxies do form a fractal pattern, but as they looked at bigger and bigger scales, the pattern appeared to disintegrate and smooth out at just over 200 million light years - a scale far larger than most cosmologists had expected.
But Pietronero and Sylos Labini are not convinced. Instead, they believe that if astronomers could continue to zoom out and look at even larger scales, they would find more clustering. They suspect that the apparent smoothness at 200 million light years is not real, but rather an illusion created by statistical effects due to the limited range of the Sloan survey. Hogg's team, though, insist that their evidence of homogeneity is statistically significant. "I think the result really is secure," says Hogg. "I would stake my scientific reputation on that."
Even if the result is real, mainstream cosmologists still have a huge problem on their hands. The fact that the fractal patterning extends to far bigger scales than anyone had expected means that there must be far bigger structures than anyone expected - structures that are even bigger than superclusters. The fractal team argues that the standard model cannot explain the existence of these galactic giants. "If you look at the galaxy data, you can see enormous objects hundreds of millions of light years across, stuff that's really huge," says Pietronero. "This is a huge problem. You're going to have to change the story very radically."
The usual story runs something like this. In the tiny fluctuations of the nascent universe, matter began to collect in denser regions, setting off a chain reaction of gravitational collapse that has given us the large-scale structure we see today. Gravity has worked from the bottom up, building galaxies first, then collecting galaxies into clusters, then clusters into superclusters and so forth. But while the matter has been clumping together, the universe has been expanding, and thus a battle has ensued: gravity versus expansion.
According to Pietronero, there simply hasn't been enough time since the universe came into being 14 billion years ago for gravity to sculpt structures larger than about 30 million light years across: expansion would have prevented anything larger from forming. "The existence of structures much larger than this implies a crisis of the present view of structure formation," he says. This present view is the "cold dark matter model", in which the glowing masses of stars and galaxies are only the tip of the cosmic iceberg. Luminous matter makes up roughly 15 per cent of all the matter in the universe - the other 85 per cent is mysterious dark matter.
Hogg's team says that the new observations do not undermine the standard view as Pietronero claims. Instead, they maintain that the cold dark matter model explains the Sloan data quite accurately. For that to be true, however, Hogg's team have to put a number called a bias parameter into their equations. It reflects the difference between the distribution of matter in computer simulations of the cold dark matter model and the observed distribution of luminous matter.
Collisions between particles of ordinary matter help it clump together, but dark matter is thought not to behave in the same way. That suggests it could be spread out in space more evenly than ordinary matter, so cosmologists assume that the distribution of the matter we can see - galaxies, say - is not a true reflection of the distribution of all the matter that is out there. They believe the structure of the universe is really much "smoother" than it appears to be, because dark matter dominates. In the case of the Sloan survey, the bias is 2: the visible galaxies are clumped twice as densely as the predicted total distribution of matter in the universe.
Sylos Labini, however, sees the bias as a fudge that allows cosmologists to discount the observed clustering of galaxies and to assume that the gigantic clusters of superclusters are only half the problem they appear to be. "The bias is a way to hide the size of structures behind some ad hoc parameter," he says. Mainstream cosmologists, however, feel the bias is justified, assuming that galaxies cluster in regions of space that are replete with excess dark matter. According to the standard model, dark matter is everywhere, but galaxies only shine in the rare regions where dark matter is densest. Dark matter also lingers in the voids where no light shines but here it is thinly spread out. In other words, while the luminous galaxies look very clustered, the underlying blanket of dark matter is far smoother, supporting the claim of homogeneity.
"If the cold dark matter model is correct, then there should be dark matter in the voids," Hogg says. The million-dollar question is: what is the real distribution of dark matter? Is dark matter smooth or fractal? Is it clustered like the galaxies, or does it spread out, unseen, into the great voids? If the voids are full of dark matter, then the apparent fractal distribution of luminous matter becomes rather insignificant. But if the voids are truly empty, the fractal claim requires a closer look.
Astronomers are now providing our first glimpse into the voids and our first look at the pattern of invisible matter. Richard Massey of the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena and others in the Cosmic Evolution Survey project have just created the first 3D map of dark matter in the universe (New Scientist, 13 January, p 5). They were able to find the dark matter by observing its gravitational effect on any light streaming past it. Combining data from the Hubble Space Telescope, the Subaru telescope in Hawaii and the Very Large Telescope in Chile, they mapped the distribution of dark matter at scales ranging from 23 million to 200 million light years across.
Massey's team found that the dark matter distribution is nearly identical to the luminous matter distribution. "The first thing that strikes me is the voids," Massey says. "Vast expanses of space are completely empty. The dark matter makes up a criss-crossing network of strings and sheets around these voids. And all the luminous matter lies within the densest regions of dark matter." Although this distribution of dark matter seems to favour the idea that the universe is fractal, Hogg isn't convinced. "It is interesting," he says, "but measurements of dark matter are much less precise than measurements of galaxy distributions."
"The result is very new," Massey agrees. "It demonstrates a very exciting new way of looking directly at dark matter and will be vital in future work, but hasn't yet been subject to all the analysis that has been applied to galaxy surveys." When asked if the dark matter exhibits an explicitly fractal structure, Massey replies, "We don't know yet."
"The universe is not a fractal," Hogg insists, "and if it were a fractal it would create many more problems that we currently have." A universe patterned by fractals would throw all of cosmology out the window. Einstein's cosmic equations would be tossed first, with the big bang and the expansion of the universe following closely behind. Hogg's team feel that until there's a theory to explain why the galaxy clustering is fractal, there's no point in taking it seriously.
"My view is that there's no reason to even contemplate a fractal structure for the universe until there is a physical fractal model," says Hogg. "Until there's an inhomogeneous fractal model to test, it's like tilting at windmills."
Pietronero is equally insistent. "This is fact," he says. "It's not a theory." He says he is interested only in what he sees in the data and argues that the galaxies are fractal regardless of whether someone can explain why. As it turns out, there is one model that may be able to explain a fractal universe. The work of a little-known French astrophysicist named Laurent Nottale, the theory is called "scale relativity" (see "Fractured space-time" below).
According to Nottale, the distribution of matter in the universe is fractal because space-time itself is fractal. It is a theory on the fringe, but if the universe does turn out to be fractal, more people might sit up and take notice. A resolution to the fractal debate will only come with more data. Sloan is currently charting more galaxies and will release a new map in the middle of 2008. According to Sylos Labini, this will cover over 650 million light years and should tell us if the apparent transition to homogeneity extends beyond 200 million light years. For now, the pattern of the world, imprinted at the origin of the universe, remains a secret glimpsed only in the knowing shimmer of the stars.
FRACTURED SPACE-TIME
French astrophysicist Laurent Nottale has developed a theory that takes fractals to a whole new level. A researcher at the Meudon Observatory in Paris, Nottale set out to extend Einstein's principle of relativity - in which the laws of physics remain the same regardless of the motion of an observer - to a theory in which the laws of physics would remain the same regardless of the scale at which the universe is being observed. He found that the underlying space-time of such a theory would have to be fractal.
In Nottale's theory, called scale relativity, the underlying fractality of space-time is most noticeable in the quantum world. Quantum behaviour, he claims, can be understood geometrically - particles move along fractal trajectories. On large scales, his model could explain a fractal pattern of the galaxies. The most profound question in physics today is how to unify the really small with the really big - and when it comes to matters of scale, fractals may turn out to be a key ingredient.
Amanda Gefter
© New Scientist
9 March 2007
[First published on this blog 1 October 2007, Reposted 20 August 2011]
Tuesday, August 13, 2024
THE ORIGINS OF MANGLISH ~ by Antares (repost)
A Manglish Primer
Contrary to popular myth, I didn‘t invent Manglish. Nor would I blame it on the Chinese either. As a distinctive language in its own right, Manglish has been evolving quietly and discreetly since the British introduced English to these shores - but it has only been in evident use for about half a century. Prior to 1945 local Anglophones generally attempted to speak "the King's English" (later replaced by the BBC Overseas Service Standard English). Or else they were content to squawk at each other in some lewd and loud local lingo.
When British rule ended in 1957, out went the rules of spoken English - and that's how Manglish rapidly became a functional intermediary between our official first and second languages, Bahasa Malaysia and Business English. I first heard Manglish spoken when I entered the garment (ackchwurly government) primary school - the same year Britain handed Malaya back to the Malayans. To celebrate Independence, we unstiffened our upper lips and reveled in the ecstatic freedom of "seemply tokking kok." No longer would we tolerate being accused of speaking Bad English. We could now proudly proclaim our mastery of Good Manglish.
At home my parents communicated in a curious mixture of Cantonese and Missionary English - which wasn't quite the same potent concoction as Street Manglish. Somehow the species of English spoken in pre-Merdeka days didn't have the gutsy gutturality of Proper Manglish - perhaps because the local Anglophones were in awe of their Colonial masters and suffered from cultural cringe.
Those with middle class aspirations attempted to speak what they thought was "the King's English" (later replaced by BBC Overseas Service Standard English). But they kept pretty much within their own racial and social boundaries, demonstrating the efficacy of the Divide-&-Rule Policy. A great deal more inter-ethnic socializing occurred in the post-Merdeka years, and this eventually produced an organic amalgam of vernacular idiosyncrasies - the glorious outcome being what is today universally known as Manglish.
In Singapore some folks speak Singlish - which, naturally, has a lot in common with Manglish, since both societies sprang from the same polyglot roots. However, the use of Singlish appears to be diminishing as the literacy level rises - and along with it, social aspirations. But I may be wrong. I wouldn't be at all surprised to receive an indignant email from Sylvia Toh Paik Choo of the Singlish Preservation Trust setting the record straight. In fact a Singlish rap album (Why You So Like Dat? produced by Siva Choy) made the charts in the early 1990s, proving that Singaporeans do possess a sense of humor.
Siva Choy raps in Singlish on his hit album Why You So Like Dat? |
Manglish, in any case, seems to be thriving in Malaysia. Indeed there is a growing body of literature in Manglish (mostly generated by me) which has found its way into British Council language courses as teaching aids. Furthermore, studies such as this one have been commissioned by serious anthropological journals (none of which, alas, still exists) - which hardly augurs well for the continued growth and development of this embryonic industry.
A real pity, as the terangslation - pardon, translation - of the World's Great Books into Proper Manglish (so that they will become accessible to everyone regardless of social background) will inevitably be retarded, along with the intellectual vibrancy of the nation. Manglish, after all, is the Great Equalizer. No one could possibly pull rank or put on airs when communicating in Manglish. You doan belif me ah? Seemply abzob all the impoting facks, and den go araun booshitting like nobody's beezniz until peeple oso ting you are a regular/decent/down-to-earth kind of fler.
A Word of Warning: If you happen to be a Mat Salleh (read White-Skinned Furriner), we advise you not to attempt speaking Manglish to every Malaysian you meet - unless specifically invited, or else you've lived here long enough to appreciate the indescribable delights of sambal belacan, durian and tempoyak (a piquant relish made from fermented durian). Otherwise you may inadvertently cause serious offence (Bladihel, you look down upon us ah? Yuting we cannot spikking your bladi langwidge one ah?) and find yourself arrested under the Infernal Sensitivities Act. Nonetheless, you may enjoy studying Manglish purely out of linguistic interest (so you can understand wat de local peeple are saying about you lah).
Credit must be given to two cunning linguists (and excellent musicians), Messrs Julian Mokhtar and Rafique Rashid, who sparked my interest in undertaking a formal study of Manglish phonetics and usage - which led to a standardization of spelling and the compilation of a Manglish glossary in 1988. The preliminary results of my research were published in ADOI! (Times Books International, 1989) and since then I have been commissioned to produce a growing body of literature in Manglish - including original poyems and terangslations of eggcerpts from Shakespeare, which appeared in the popular magazine, Manglish Review - whoops, I mean, Men's Review - in the mid-1990s.
MANGLISH IN ACTION (Part One)
A man walks into a department store and is greeted by a good-looking sales promoter.
SALESGIRL: Iffning, sir, how are you? Today got speshul awfer one. Leemeeted stork oni. Impotteds from the Germ Ernie. Got two-ear guarantee. 39.99 oni and summore you baiwanfriwan!
CUSTOMER: Aiseh, you look just like Hongkong star Anita Mui, don‘t get angry ah...
SALESGIRL: Ofcos aidontch-main, sir, I oso like Anita Mui wat, but whynotchew buy one and get one free, can gif to your gurfren?
CUSTOMER: Where I got gurfren, no taim lah. Eh, wat is your name ah, can tell ornot?
SALESGIRL: Aiyah, arfturds your gurfren jailus. Mister, better you buy now, tomollow awfer feenish oridi.
CUSTOMER: Aitoyu got no gurfren lah. How about you ah, got vacancy ornot? Eh, you feenish work we go for sahper, okay?
SALESGIRL: Aiyoh, aiskad oni lah, you so fast-fast one! Plis lah, sir, you hairp me, I hairp you lah, oni 39.99 wat, no nid to be so chipsket one lah!
CUSTOMER: Here‘s my card, plis call me wen you have freetaim, okay?
SALESGIRL: Betayudon gif card, sir. Managemen not allaud.
CUSTOMER: Bladihel, I gif to you, not to managemen wat!
SALESGIRL: Velly solly, sir, cannot like dat one, arfturds I lose my job den how? Solly ah.
CUSTOMER: Barsket, yuting you so bew-tifool ah?
SALESGIRL: Dis kind of peeple oso got. Cheh.
[The Manglish Glossary originally appeared in ADOI! (Times Books International, 1989) which sold 13,000 copies and is currently accessible online. This version, first posted 5 October 2012 & reposted 3 June 2014, 12 June 2020 & 22 January 2021, has been slightly expanded.]
MANGLISH IN ACTION
(Part Two)
Coffeeshop scene
featuring a gaggle of garrulous pensioners enjoying a few rounds of Guinness.
PENSIONER 1: Aitelyu de barger so-poorting, dah. Lastaim
working for debladigarmen, 20-over years, boy. Fraskes oni, defler. Den
olafasudden resign and join praivet sector... and wat happen 3 years later? Kena
retrench, dah. Hauken dat old fart find anudder job. I arsk yu. Dailah.
PENSIONER 2: Huseso, dah, doan tokkok, man. His
brudder-in-law told me defler kena lowtree man, first prize summore. But he wen
araun telling wankain sob story, and now defler shiok oni. Tax exile in Labuan.
Left his wife and married a Thai pondan – doan laugh ah, I hear damn seksi one,
more beatifuller dan woman - and de barsket started his own ooi-dio production
kompeni. I tink she got fren in porn beezniz. Many Thai people name Porn wat,
heh heh.
PENSIONER 3: Eh, who you tokking about, dah? De fatty
bom-bom Singh, izzit?
PENSIONER 2: Yala, Ajaib, yuting who?
PENSIONER 3: Alamak! Yesterday oni I saw de barger!
PENSIONER 1: Ya, ka? Where?
PENSIONER 3: Infrun Central Market lor.
PENSIONER 2: Wat defler doing there?
PENSIONER 3: Nothing much, lah, seemply stand outside KFC
in white suit, look like Kernel Sanders lah, shaking hands with customers oni.
PENSIONER 1: Must be wang habis oridi lah, easy come easy go...
marry golddigger pornstar summore. Aisehman, taim for anudder raun. Kamon, lah,
I spen you flers. Orait!
PENSIONERS 1, 2 & 3: Bawtums up, dah.
MANGLISH IN ACTION
(Part Three)
Two old schoolchums bump into each other on the street.
PANG: Hoy, Dol! Long taim no see, man! So weh-yuattash now?
DOL: Aiyo, Pang, izzit? Steel wid debladigarmen, lah,
watudu, got six mouse to feed, man. How about you, meelianair oridi ah‘?
PANG: Ha ha, sofanochet, not so easy mah. But working on it
lah. Running my own carpet cleaning kompeni. Eh, here’s my card...
DOL: [READING CARD] Wah, Acksikutip Dairector... tera, man!
Steel barechiller orwat?
PANG: Yala, where got taim to find wife, man. Make money
first, den chewren. Dat’s wat my old man orways tell me.
DOL: Ha ha ha, good advice.... eh, I oso got card. Here,
keep in touch, okay, oldfren.
PANG: [READING CARD] No booshit, man! Head of Maintenance
Department ah? Wah, not bad, not bad.
DOL: Gimme a call anytaim. Use my hamfone number, okay?
PANG: Okay, man, next week I caw you. We go for makan lah...
eh, Dol, you like seafood ornot?
DOL: No problem, towkay! Everyting oso I makan [WINKS].
Minum osoken. Cheevas Reegull, yutingwat!
A COMPACT GLOSSARY OF COMMON MANGLISH WORDS & PHRASES
ackchwurly - originally “actually” – used in Manglish as a sentence starter, e.g., “to be perfectly honest” or “frankly spikking ah.”
ackshun (oni) - derived from “action” – meaning “to show off.”
aidontch-main - corruption of "I don't mind" - the extraneous syllable 'ch' indicates that the speaker is well aware of the subtleties of the English language and is making an effort to sound the 't' in "don't."
aisehman - contraction of "I say, man!" A totally meaningless utterance, most commonly used by those with absolutely nothing to say.
aiskad (lah) - confession of nervousness, as in "I'm scared, don't have the guts to do it."
aisodono - expression of ignorance, probably imported from India, originally: "I also don't know" (polite variation of "Damned if I know!").
arfturds – contraction of “afterwards” – often used to imply consequence or effect, e.g., “You don’t hit me ah, arfturds I tell my farder!”; also used in place of “later” (“We go and see pickcher first, arfturds can have sahper.”)
atoyu (wat) - gentle expression of triumph: "What did I tell you?"
baiwanfriwan - ploy used mainly by Chinese shop assistants to promote sales: "If you buy one, you'll get one free!"
barfellow – originally “buffalo” – a reference to bulk, usually signifying a clumsy oaf or plodder.
barger – corruption of “bugger” – literally, pain-in-the-butt or nuisance.
barsket - uncouth interjection; term of derision, often preceded by the prefix "bladi." Probably a mangled compound of "blasted," "bastard" and "bugger. An all-purpose expression of acute annoyance, as in "Goddamn" or "Blast it!"
betayudon - mild warning, as in "You'd better not do that."
bladihel - exclamation conveying intense irritation; corruption of "bloody hell!"
boh-sia – originally a Hokkien expression meaning “mute” but now loosely applied to teenage girls who hang out with, or put out for, sugar-daddies; frequently misheard as “Bosnia,” which arouses instant embarrassment, confusion, moral outrage or sympathy, not necessarily leading to charitable acts.
bollsdar - rude retort favored by Malaysian Indians, especially Sikhs; essentially a scrotal reference devolved from "balderdash" or "bollocks." (The deliberate slurring of the commonly heard vernacular suffix 'lah' imparts a more emphatic measure of vulgarity.
cari makan – popular Malay idiom, literally “looking for food” or “to eke out a living” – but usually employed as a rationale for selfish and myopic behavior.
cheh – expression of total disgust, usually indicating that the user finds the entire subject vile, filthy, contemptible and unworthy of further discussion.
chipsket - contraction of "cheapskate," somebody not known to be generous; also used to describe anything low-cost.
dai-lah - term of commiseration, usually mock, used in situations where an element of anxiety is present, e.g.,"Oh dear, now you've blown it!" or "Oh well, that's the end of that!" or "Shit! I'm in real trouble."
debladigarmen - contraction of "the bloody government" - widely used scapegoat for all of life's disappointments, delays, denials, and prohibitions.
defler - contraction of "that fellow."
(doan) tokkok - playful insult ("Don't talk rubbish!"); the etymology of tokkok is uncertain but it probably derives from "talk cock" (as in "cock and bull" stories).
fatty bom-bom – a juvenile reference to bulk; synonymous with “fatso” – a jocular and universally understood description of obesity.
filim – mispronunciation of “film” – usually refers to movies, whether analog or digital.
fler - personal and/or impersonal reference, originally a contraction of "fellow" but frequently applied in neuter gender, e.g., "You flers better wochaut!" ("Don't any of you try to be funny!")
fraskes - noun applied to any individual caught in an unenviable impasse; someone whose case is frustrating; could also imply sexual deprivation.
gifchan (lah) - half-serious plea, as in "Give us a chance, will you?" Could also mean: "Please do us a favor."
gurfren - slurring of “girlfriend.”
hauken - another elastic expression applicable in almost any situation, e.g., "That's not right!" or "Impossible!" or "You don't say!"
ho-laif - adverb, meaning "perpetually" (contraction of "whole life").
huseso - "Says who?" or "Who says so?" (alternatively, hused).
hutoyu - mild challenge, as in "Who told you?"
izzit - expression of mild unbelief: "Is that so?"
izzenit - from "isn't it?" but applied very loosely at the end of any particular statement to elicit an immediate response, e.g., "Yused you will spen me a beer, izzenit?"
kennonot - request or enquiry, contraction of "Can you or can you not?"; also used as "May I?" or "Will you?" or "Is it possible?"
kenoso - affirmative, "can also"; in other words, "It's quite all right with me" (see osoken).
kopi money - unofficial commission; bribe.
lastaim - denotes the past ("last time"), though not necessarily in any specific sense: e.g., "Las-taim we orways see filim but nowadays stay home and watch dividi oni."
latok - corruption of “datuk”; (i) “grandfather” in Malay; (ii) a tutelary spirit residing in trees and sacred spots; or (iii) an honorific bestowed on individuals deemed worthy (e.g., Malaysia’s best-loved cartoonist Lat, who’s now a “Latok”). Latokship is a much sought-after status symbol (for which some are willing to pay handsomely).
mais-wan - possessive pronoun, meaning “it belongs to me” or “it’s mine.” Etymologically part of a family including yos-wan (“yours one”) and dias-wan (“their’s one”).
mebeken - contraction of “maybe can”: in other words, “It may be possible…”
nemmain - casual dismissal: "Never mind."
notshai-wan - from "not shy one" - meaning "shameless" or not standing upon ceremony.
nola - a dilute negative, used as a device to interrupt, deny, or cancel someone else's statement.
olafasudden - melodramatic variation on “all of a sudden.”
oridi - contraction of "already."
osoken - affirmative, interchangeable with kenoso ("also can"); in other words, "Anything goes!" or "Fine by me!"
ow-tah (punya) - temi of disparagement, meaning "utterly substandard."
owk-steshen - from “outstation” - a relic of Colonial days when officials were often absent from their posts doing field work; in other words, “out of town” or “abroad.”
podah - extremely dismissive term derived from street Tamil, as in "Go to hell!" or "Get stuffed!" or "Fuck off!"
rigadingwat - interrogative used exclusively by telephonists and secretaries when you demand to speak to their bosses: "What is it regarding?"
sahper - "supper," usually a major pig-out after a nocturnal shopping spree or pub-crawl.
seehau - mangling of "let's wait and see how it turns out."
shiok (oni) - expression of intense pleasure, etymology obscure.
sofanochet - meaning "it hasn't happened yet"; can also be shortened to nochet, a slurring of "not yet.“
sohau - polite interrogative, usually used as greeting, e.g., "Well, how are things with you?" or "how goes it?"
so-poorting - expression of sympathy or condolence: "You poor thing!"
sorait - universal apology or palliative ("It‘s all right.")
tera (oni) - noun describing someone who inspires awe, "a real terror." Often has a positive connotation, as in "defer wankain tera ladykiller lah!"
tan-slee - corruption of “Tan Sri” - the equivalent of a knighthood.
tingwat - highly adaptable expression stemming from "What do you think?" May be used as a challenge ("Who cares a hoot what you think!"); a rhetorical question ("Well, how about that?"); or as a friendly insult ("Please don’t inflict your abysmal ignorance on us!") - depending on context and intonation.
wankain -(wan) - adjective denoting uniqueness, oddness, weirdness, extraordinariness: contraction of "one of a kind" (with "one" repeated for rhythmic symmetry). Sometimes rendered as wankain-oni (to emphasize the uniqueness).
watudu - rhetorical question: "But what can we do?" An excellent excuse for apathy.
weh-yuattash - polite question when introduced to a stranger: "Where are you attached to?" (in other words, "What do you do for a living?")
wochaut - from "watch out" - an ominous threat favored by gangsters and polticians.
yala - non-committal agreement, liberally used when confronted with a bore. A string of "yalas" issuing forth from your hapless listener is a sure sign that he or she wishes to terminate the conversation as soon as possible.
yesa - general expression of interest, usually inserted as a question during conversations, as in "Oh, really?"
yu-a-yu - term of friendly accusation, meaning "You're really too much!"
yugifmisi - imperative indicating intense curiosity, as in: "Let me have a look!"
yusobadwan - expression of mild reproach: "Hey, that's not very nice!"
[The Manglish Glossary originally appeared in ADOI! (Times Books International, 1989) which sold 13,000 copies and is currently accessible online. This version, first posted 5 October 2012 & reposted 3 June 2014, 12 June 2020 & 22 January 2021, has been slightly expanded.]
Sunday, August 11, 2024
LOMEO & JURIET (Act II, Scene 2) ~ Terangslated from the Shakespeare into Proper Manglish by Antares
The Story So Far
There has been little peace in the new township of Jinjang Utara ever since the long-drawn and gruesome War of the Seafood Palaces caused a serious rift between two influential clans – the Ngs and the Chans. At a lavish Chap Goh Meh party hosted by Datuk Chan, trouble brews when a bunch of rowdies from the Ng clan decide to gatecrash and are immediately spotted. Not wishing to ruin the festivities, Datuk Chan orders his hotheaded nephew and his gang to ignore the intruders. And so, while the rest of the guests are merrily lambadaing the night away, Lomeo Ng (youngest son of Towkay Ng) encounters the lovely Juriet Chan (favorite daughter of Datuk Chan) and Fate (or Biochemistry and/or Electromagnetism) takes over. They fall desperately (or rise ecstatically) in love; and after the party Lomeo finds himself drawn to the luxurious Chan Villa where, as our hero lurks libidinously in the shadows, he sees the moonstruck Juriet on her second floor balcony, sighing and calling for her true love…
Shakespearean Manglish
JUL: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore
art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; or, if thou wilt not, be
but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
|
JUR: Aiya Lomeo, Lomeo! Where are you ah, Lomeo? Donkair
your farder lah, simply chain your name olidi can; udderwise ah, you plomise
to love me orways and I will tlade in my surname Chan.
|
ROM: [Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
|
LOM: [Aside] Watudu ah, keep quiet and rissen
summore, or say hurro to her now?
|
JUL: 'Tis but thy name that is
my enemy: thou
art thyself, though not a Montague. What's
Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging
to a man. O, be some other name. What's
in a name? That which we call a rose by
any other name would smell as sweet; so
Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, retain
that dear perfection which he owes without
that title. Romeo, doff thy name, and
for that name, which is no part of thee, take all myself.
|
JUR: Your
name oni got ploblem one; you yourself okay, so what your family name called
Ng. Arfter all, what is Ng? Not your finger, or your foot, or your nose, or
your toes, or any udder part of you called Ng wat. Aiya, why notchew call
yourself some udder name? Name is name oni wat. Loh’s frower we call sumting else
steel smelling nice wat; so Lomeo oso nice, sahpose he not called Lomeo Ng,
evelyting about him ngam-ngam oni. Lomeo, cancer your name lah; your name not
rike gum to your body wat. Give up the Ng and take me lah.
|
ROM: I take thee at thy word. Call
me but love, and I'll be new baptis'd; henceforth I never will be Romeo.
|
LOM: Orait
lah, I take, I take! You oni have to call me sayang, and olidi I got new
name; Lomeo Ng habis!
|
JUL: What man art thou that,
thus bescreened in night, so stumblest on my counsel?
|
JUR: Alamak!
Got olang minyak or wat? Who de hell are you ah, and why you spy on me one?
|
ROM: By a name I know not how
to tell thee who I am: my name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it
is an enemy to thee. Had I it written, I would tear the word.
|
LOM: My
name I skad to tell you, bekos now I oso hate my name: arfturds you ting I am
your anneemee, dear moon goddess. Sahpose my name wlite on piece of paper, better
I tear it up.
|
JUL: My ears have yet not
drunk a hundred words of thy tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound. Art
thou not Romeo, and a Montague?
|
JUR: Oni a
few words flom your mouf enter my ear, but olidi I know your voice: you are
Lomeo, your farder Towkay Ng, istlu ornot?
|
ROM: Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.
|
LOM: Not
tlue, cantik, if you doan rike my farder name or mais one.
|
JUL: How cam'st thou hither, tell me, and
wherefore? The orchard walls are high and hard to climb, and the place death,
considering who thou art, if any of my kinsmen find thee here.
|
JUR: How you
kum here and waffor, yutelme? Got high-high wall outside, summore bubwire and
24-hour sikhulity; dailah, sahpose my family catch you.
|
ROM: With love's light wings
did I o'erperch these walls, for stony limits cannot hold love out, and what
love can do, that dares love attempt: therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to
me.
|
LOM: My
hut feeling so right one, can fry olidi; so hauken stonewall stop me? Bekos
of love lah I bekum helo, and helo kennot die one.
|
JUL: If they do see thee, they will
murder thee.
|
JUR: Aiyo,
eef my brudders see you ah, dey weel hantam you kau-kau.
|
ROM: Alack, there lies more
peril in thine eye than
twenty of their swords. Look thou but sweet and I am proof against their
enmity.
|
LOM: Adoi,
your rooks arone enuf to kill, no nid twenty palangs and bearing sclaper; you
rook so sweet, hauken anyone fill beetter?
|
JUL: I would not for the world they
saw thee here.
|
JUR: Better
dey doan see you here, udderwise mampus lah.
|
ROM: I have night's cloak to
hide me from their eyes, and, but thou love me, let them find me here; my
life were better ended by their hate than death prorogued, wanting of thy
love.
|
LOM: So
dark one, how dey can see me? And eef you doan love me, better dey catch me;
better to die flom their hate dan leeve widout your love.
|
JUL: By whose direction found'st thou
out this place?
|
JUR: Who
show you de way here?
|
ROM: By love, that first did
prompt me to enquire. He lent me counsel, and I lent him eyes. I am no pilot,
yet, wert thou as far as that vast shore wash'd with the furthest sea, I should adventure for such merchandise.
|
LOM: Love
lah, love orways find a way, izzenit? I kennot dlive Ploton or sail boat or
fry aeloplane, but even eef you leeve overseas, steel I weel find you; how
far oso nevermain, I doan brarf you.
|
JUL: Thou knowest the mask of night is on my
face, else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek for that which thou hast
heard me speak tonight. Fain would I dwell on form; fain, fain deny what I
have spoke. But farewell compliment.
Dost
thou love me? I know thou wilt say 'Ay', and
I will take thy word. Yet, if thou swear'st, thou
mayst prove false. At lovers' perjuries, they
say, Jove laughs. O gentle Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully:
or if thou thinkest I am too quickly won, I'll frown, and be perverse, and
say thee nay, so thou wilt woo: but else, not for the world. In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond; and therefore thou mayst think my 'haviour light: but
trust me, gentleman, I'll prove more true than those that have more cunning
to be strange. I should have been more strange, I must confess, but that thou overheard'st, ere I was 'ware, my true-love passion: therefore pardon me; and
not impute this yielding to light love which the dark night hath so
discovered.
|
JUR: Lucky
tonight vely dark, so you kennot see my chik turn led-led one olidi. Aiya, shy oni lah wat
you hear me spik just now! But wat I said you olidi hear, so nemmain lah; no
nid to pletend anymore, too rate to save face.
You love me ornot? Sure
lah, you say yes; can sumpah summore, but mebbe tipu oni. The God oso he
orways raughing at peeple’s plomises of love. Aiya Lomeo, tell me tluly one
lah: you love me ornot? Sahpose yuting I am too easy to get? Mebbe I better
talik harga and say dowan! Den you weel chase a bit lah; but I oso dowan to
lun too fast. Ackchwurly, my dear Mr Ng, I feel vely geli lah: plis doan ting
I am phooling alaun wid you, I am vely stletford one, my hut kennot chit people
one, not rike dose womans wid swit-swit tongues. Mebbe sum people weel say I
am too flenly to you, a stlanger summore, but olidi you heard me saying all
kind of tings, so nemmain lah. Solly ah, I kennot acting one: I give myself
to you, even doh I kennot see you one, so gelap tonight.
|
ROM: Lady, by yonder blessed
moon I vow, that tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops…
|
LOM: Chah
Bor, I sumpah by the silver moon which makes all de tlees in your garden
shiny…
|
JUL: O, swear not by the moon,
the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.
|
JUR: Cheh,
doan sumpah by the moon, he not vely steady one, evely week chain size and
shape. Arfturds your love rike dat oso, den how?
|
ROM: What shall I swear by?
|
LOM: Den
how to swear?
|
JUL: Do not swear at all. Or
if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry, and
I'll believe thee.
|
JUR: Better
not to swear at all; or else you sumpah on your own hut, which is the awltar
where I can pray; like dat I can belif lah.
|
ROM: If my heart's dear love...
|
LOM: Sahpose
my hut pumping too hard…
|
JUL: Well, do not swear:
although I joy in thee, I have no joy of this contract to-night: it is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden; too like the lightning, which doth cease to
be ere one can say 'It lightens.' Sweet, good night! This
bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, may
prove a beauteous flower when next we meet. Good night, good night! as sweet
repose and rest come to thy heart as that within my breast!
|
JUR: Aiyah,
den doan swear lah. I am vely happy to see you, but not so happy to see you
rike dis: hauken so fast, so culi-culi one, rike rightning which doan last
more dan a few seckands. Let us meet again later lah, and see eef dis tender
fluit of love is masak ornot. Now our lomance rike frower bud oni, not open
foolly yet. So I say goonight; go home and sreep first, okay?
|
ROM: O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
|
LOM: Aiyo,
I nochet satisfied.
|
JUL: What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?
|
JUR: How
you wan me to satisfy you?
|
ROM: The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.
|
LOM: I wan
to hear you sumpah your love for me.
|
JUL: I gave thee mine before
thou didst request it: and yet I would it were to give again.
|
JUR: Podah,
oridi swear wat, even before you arsk. But you wan, I can swear again, no
ploblem. I take back my plomise.
|
ROM: Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love? |
LOM: Oi,
doan take back lah; waffor you take back?
|
JUL: But to be frank, and give it thee again. And yet I wish but for the thing I have: my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite. [Nurse calls within] I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu! Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true. Stay but a little, I will come again. [Exit] |
JUR: So I
can geeve you again lah, bodoh. But you got olidi wat. Arfterall I filling
open rike the sea, and my love vely deep one you know: I geeve and geeve you,
steel kennot habis, just rike sea orways got water one. [Amah calls from inside] Someone bising olidi.
Okay lah, sayang, goodbye! - Ah Soh, why you shouting? – Mr Ng, manis, you
wait reetle while ah, I come out again. [Exit]
|
ROM: O blessed, blessed night!
I am afeard. Being
in night, all this is but a dream, too flattering-sweet to be substantial.
|
LOM: Wah,
shiok oni lah! Hope I am not dleaming oni; why I so rucky bugger one?
|
[Re-enter JULIET, above]
JUL: Three words, dear Romeo,
and good night indeed. If that thy bent of love be honourable, thy purpose
marriage, send me word tomorrow, by one that I'll procure to come to thee, where and what time thou wilt perform the rite; and all my fortunes at thy foot
I'll lay and follow thee my lord throughout the world.
NURSE [Within]: Madam!
JUL: I come, anon. -- But if thou mean'st not well, I do beseech thee --
NURSE [Within]: Madam!
JUL: By and by, I come: -- To
cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief: to-morrow will I send.
|
[Re-enter JURIET on 3rd floor of Chan Villa]
JUR: Tlee
words more, Lomeo sayang, or mebbe tlee hundled; den distaim really goonight
oridi. Eef you love me enuf to marry me ah, tomollow you must pass me
message showing orspeeshus date and
which lestoran we can have beeg dinner; and my holaif I weel put infrun of
you lah, and all alaun de world I weel forrow you.
AMAH [Within]:
Meees!
JUR:
Kahming, kahming – But eef you are not really selious one, aitelyu –
AMAH [Within]: Meees Juriiiiet!
JUR: Okay,
okay lah! – stop praying dis game
and let me suffer hut pain by myself. Tomollow I contact you ah.
|
ROM: So thrive my soul --
|
LOM: Hweeyoh,
my hut so happy can die one --
|
JUL: A thousand times good
night! [Exit,
above]
|
JUR: Goonight,
goonight, lepeat one tausend taims goonight! [Closing 3rd floor window]
|
ROM: A thousand times the
worse, to want thy light. Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their
books, but love from love, toward school with heavy looks.
|
LOM: One
tausend taims more susah to see you go away. Love ah, going near love orways rike rong weekend coming up; but when love reaving love ah, just rike must
go for extla tuition.
|
Antares © 1995-2019
Antares now heads the Department of Advanced Manglish at the University of Pertak. He has initiated a RM42 million program to "terangslate" the World's Great Books into Manglish - which has yet to be formally acknowledged as Malaysia's de facto national language, even though many have actively campaigned for this since 1989.
The infamous balcony scene in Manglish from Lomeo & Juriet has twice been staged in Kuala Lumpur. It also inspired a full-scale Malaysian adaptation in 2005 by Gavin Yap, titled Romi & Joo Lee (dan lain-lain).
Thanks to Sheryll Stodhart (glowingly described by an Umno rightwing dickhead as a "diehard socialist, Anwar Ibrahim apologist, and rabid anti-government writer") and Men's Review for being the first to publish my Manglish-Lit series in 1995.
The infamous balcony scene in Manglish from Lomeo & Juriet has twice been staged in Kuala Lumpur. It also inspired a full-scale Malaysian adaptation in 2005 by Gavin Yap, titled Romi & Joo Lee (dan lain-lain).
Thanks to Sheryll Stodhart (glowingly described by an Umno rightwing dickhead as a "diehard socialist, Anwar Ibrahim apologist, and rabid anti-government writer") and Men's Review for being the first to publish my Manglish-Lit series in 1995.
[First posted 2 October 2012, reposted 11 August 2016 & 7 May 2019]
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