TWO AUSSIE JOKES PLUS A DASH OF IRISH

WALKING THE DOG

A blind lady was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight captain announced that there would be a delay, and that if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, they should return to their seats in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except the blind lady. The other passengers could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly by her feet throughout the flight.

They could also tell that the blind lady had flown this very flight before, because the pilot approached her and, calling her by name, said: "Kathy, we're in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would Like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All activity in the gate area comes to a complete standstill when they see the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog. The pilot is even wearing sunglasses.

Panic spreads like wildfire. Some passengers try to change planes; others try to change airlines!

True story, believe it or not. Have a quiet chuckle and remember...

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!


COW & BULL STORY

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors discover they can buy an Indian cow on eBay on the cheap.

They import the cow from India and it's well worth the laborious paperwork involved. The Indian cow produces plenty of milk every day and everyone is happy.

They decide to buy a bull to mate with the cow in order to get more cows, so they would never again have to worry about their milk supply.


They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tries to mount the cow, she moves away.

No matter what approach the bull tries, the cow moves away from the bull and he is unable to do the deed.

The townsfolk decide to consult the vet, who is reputed to be very wise. They explain to him the problem:

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from one side, she shifts to the other side."

The vet rubs his chin thoughtfully and ponders this before asking: "Did you by any chance import this cow from India?"

The townsfolk are dumbfounded: "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How on earth did you guess we got the cow from India?"

The vet replies with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from India."

Irish Virginity Test

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he can tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test.... A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...', you hit her with the shovel."


[Jokes forwarded by V. Cornelius]

Confessions of a Fence Sitter

From here on, I surrender my neutrality

Goh Keat Peng
March 4, 2010
7:37pm

Of all the places one can think of, the fence must be about the most uncomfortable place on earth to sit (or perch) on. To sit on the fence for a while may be alright but certainly not for long. Fences will poke and scratch us on the most tender parts of the human body. Sooner than later, you will find it better to get off the fence and take your rightful place on firm ground.

It is for me to decide to get myself off the fence. Getting off the fence constitutes a conscious decision on my part as an adult person where I wish to place myself, that is, on which side of the fence I wish to be on. That is a decision I make for myself. Nobody can or should do this on my behalf.

Likewise, it is for others to decide to stay on the fence or when to get themselves down from their respective fences and when they finally do, to decide which side of the fence will best reflect their own views about life. That is each person's human right, each person's freedom to choose when to get off and on which side they wish to place their feet.

As for me, in the present context wherein we as a nation have found ourselves in, quite clearly despite its very human imperfections, Pakatan Rakyat's stand on all the critically vital issues of grave national concern - press freedom, usage of the world 'Allah', the judiciary, ISA, local government, civil service, police, MACC, '1Malaysia', gender, religious, ethnic and cultural issues, elections laws and practices, economic policies, etc, most certainly reflects most closely my own political aspirations and vision for the nation.

I constantly remind myself (and am reminded) that as and when Pakatan forms the federal government, it may not (probably will not) be able to resolve fifty-plus years of abuse and anomaly. As is clearly evident at the state level, the civil service for one is not always cooperative or open to change and reform.

Be that as it may, I am satisfied that in the main, the Pakatan agenda for institutional change and reform is by far to be preferred than more of the same. Quite honestly, speaking for myself, despite the rhetoric, sloganeering and even good intentions on the part of some in the present administration, more of the same is not tenable and in my opinion, disastrous for the nation and its people.

Yes, in choosing to go with the Pakatan I could arguably be bluffed by them once they form the federal government. But you know what? For me, it is better to be bluffed once if it comes to that than to let the bluff of fifty plus years continue.

If anything, the Malaysia I see today is far worse than my Malaysia during my schooldays some forty-five years ago. The intensity of the abuse of the resources and the institutions of state is indescribable, unfathomable, despicable and contemptible.


No amount of semantics and spinning can make such vast scale wrongdoing become sensible or acceptable or good by any definition or yardstick.

A country of such rich resources, human and inanimate, could and should have made our nation world-class. My nation, Malaysia, has instead become a country of missed opportunities and unfulfilled triumph. If we the people allow things to go on as it is, our children and grandchildren will live in a terrible and horrible cultural environment of disrespect and intolerance in a climate of fear and distrust.

My prayer and aspiration is for the nation politically to evolve a two-party or coalition system of governance whereby there is no monopoly or iron-clad dominance of political power but that each side would be given a fair chance to compete thus making reform and desirable change a constant need within each of the parties and coalitions. Democratic elections is when either side has a fair and equal chance to win office.

Is this the smelly end of BN?

Therefore, today, when several individuals for reasons best known to themselves leave the party and badmouth the party, etc, I as a free individual person would like the world to know that I am here and now choosing to identify and state in an unequivocal manner my support and re-commitment to PKR and Pakatan.

I feel and think that Pakatan, for the grave political risks it has taken and the resolve it has, deserves my vote and my energies. I hope that for every departure, there will be many more arrivals to the cause of needed change.

From here on in my journey in life, I give up my non-partisan stance. I surrender my neutrality. That does not mean that I shall cease to be fair and reasonable to anyone regardless of his or her political association.

That does not mean that I shall just simply shout out abuse or whatever at anybody or rush to condemn persons or their roles and initiatives. That does not mean that I will be blind to wrong and silent to abuse wherever it is found. That does not mean I won't listen to or be corrected by persons on the other side of the political divide.

There is a cost to my decision, however, a price to pay. In making my choice, to be fair, I am hereby withdrawing my association from any group or body where political non-partisanship is necessary. As for me, I have made my choice.

In The Nude with Spencer Tunick

"A body is a living entity. It represents life, freedom, sensuality, and it is a mechanism to carry out our thoughts. A body is always beautiful to me." ~ Spencer Tunick

I was a model for Spencer Tunick

By Chris Dobney, Online Entertainment Editor, Sydney Morning Herald
March 1, 2010

Ever wondered what people in the street might look like naked? Today was your chance to find out. The answer, as I discovered very early this morning, was: remarkably varied, and yet ultimately the same.

This was the aim for artist Spencer Tunick, who conceived today's "installation" of more than 5000 nude people on the Opera House steps and forecourt as an embrace between Sydney's gay and straight communities.

Courtesy of Greg Wood & AFP/Getty Images

Fear of being naked in public was just one of the challenges faced by many of participants, who flocked into the CBD from 4am today. Queuing was to be a hallmark of the day as people queued to get in, queued for the loos, queued for coffees, and, yes, even queued to strip off.


My friends and I left Neutral Bay just before 4am and, after a dream run into the city, came to a screeching halt at the corner of George and Bridge streets. Impatient as we were, it gave us a chance to check out the people in the street. Clearly, at this time in the morning, they were all heading to the same place we were.


There were elderly couples walking down Macquarie Street, single young women in cars and plenty of gay groups whooping it up as they headed down towards the Quay. After 45 minutes stuck in a traffic snarl of soon-to be naked people, we finally emerged from the Opera House car park. We were each handed a plastic bag for our clothes and directed into a marshalling area inside The Domain.


Soon after we arrived, a loudspeaker crackled into life and we were instructed to keep our clothes on for the time being (not hard considering it was a nippy 15 degrees) and to await further instructions. About 6am, Tunick welcomed us, thanking the "heterosexual people who have come here to get naked with their gay friends."


Just on dawn came the instruction that everyone had been waiting for. There was a whoop and a cheer from the crowd as the first group disrobed and ran into the forecourt. Finally it was our turn and, in no time, we were running up the Opera House steps in a state that on any other day would get us arrested. One woman beside me shouted to her friend: "This is surreal. It's like a dream."

"It's like my worst nightmare," groaned her friend.


The excitement was palpable, to be standing naked in such a public place and among so many people. But quite soon the cheers were replaced by "oooooh" as a chilly wind blew up. Inhibitions were soon forgotten as people struggled to keep warm and fulfil Tunick's endless instructions.


"I'm not the world's best photographer but I am an artist and a perfectionist," he said, as he exhorted 5000 people to work in unison. "And I want us to make an artwork you'll be proud of." Six or seven positions later came Tunick's most confronting request. "If you came with a partner, I want you to kiss your partner. If you came with a friend, I want you to kiss your friend. If you came alone, I want you to turn to someone else who is alone and kiss them." Eventually he relented and added, "... or embrace them."


Suddenly I was aware of being alone in a crowd: I was surrounded by couples. Bounding up several steps I came face to face with an elderly man in the same predicament. We took one look at each other and embraced, admitting that, while it felt a little strange at first, it was a pleasant enough way to keep warm. Now the crowd really were as one. It was a beautiful moment.


Once Tunick gave the disband signal, most people scrambled for their clothes, while some hung back, grabbing the unique opportunity to take happy snaps of themselves starkers at the Opera House. As I dressed, I was relieved to be warm again at last but also a little disappointed that it was over so soon.

About 1800 people stripped naked in May 2008 for Spencer Tunick at the Ernst Happel football stadium in Vienna (Photo: Reuters)

Naked volunteers pose for Spencer Tunick in the Europarking building in Amsterdam in 2007 (Photo: Reuters)

Undress circle: naked volunteers pose for Tunick in a Bruges theatre in 2005 (Photo: Peter Maenhoudt/Reuters)

Thousands of naked people fill Mexico City's Zocalo Plaza during the massive naked photo session with U.S. photographer Spencer Tunick in 2007 (Photo: AP)

Spencer Tunick photographs a massive landscape of human bodies in Melbourne in 2007 (Photo: Wayne Taylor)

Naked volunteers pose for Spencer Tunick on the Aletsch glacier in 2007 (Photo: Reuters)

Spencer Tunick in Sydney, 2010 (Photo: Kate Geraghty)

[Special thanks to Hari Ho for alerting me to this uplifting art event!]

RANDOM MUSINGS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT

Second Life Prayer for Burmese Dead 46 by Gary Hayes

DEATH AND DYING

There are moments when I can happily contemplate living forever... and times when I would be quite happy to die immediately! In either case, the trick is to nullify the grimness and gravity of the grave - to laugh in the face of the unknown - we really don't have much choice. The alternative is to wallow in melancholy and moroseness and to see Life itself as a curse rather than a blessing.

As a kid I occasionally allowed my thoughts to stray towards the inevitability of someday witnessing my parents' deaths - and I'd shudder at the horrible notion of never seeing Mum or Dad again.

Ironically, after watching my mother endure five years of dialysis and being subject to other medical ignominies (with a meter running all the while which eventually enriched the medical profession by at least a quarter million ringgit - that's right, folks, not only do you pay death duties, you also get heavily taxed as you're dying!) I found myself encouraging her to let go, to allow the currents to take her from the pain and suffering of her bodily existence... I found myself promising her that she would be safe and well protected on the other side of the veil... and, thinking about it, I have served as Angel of Death for quite a number of people over the years.

Often, all one requires is a little reassurance that all of it has been just a colorful drama, a fabulous movie indeed, but the REAL LIFE awaits outside the theater.

Indeed, it's like a show within a show within a show (or a trial within a trial)... What's evident is that when the Book Religions displaced Ancient Wisdom, they deprived humanity of any in-depth understanding of all the different dimensions in which Consciousness dwells - the only recent cultures that paid any attention at all to the scientific study of Death being the Egyptian and Tibetan; so it is to them that we must turn for some guidance to the realms that reside just beyond the EXIT.

The jackal-headed Anubis, Egyptian god of the dead, tending the casket of Sennedjem
in the Valley of the Kings (courtesy of National Geographic)

[Originally posted as a comment on a friend's blog]




VISION QUEST

You live in a hologram designed to harvest your vital energy to fuel a machine of destruction and enslavement. However, every atom that exists is a fractal of the entire universe and is supercharged with infinite potential and cosmic intelligence.

The part of you that is immortal and indestructible (your Godself or Atman) is constantly attempting to wake you up from the robotic trance most humans are born into.

Heed these signs. They are clues that will ultimately lead you out of the labyrinth and into true freedom.

Nobody can force anybody else to step into the Unknown. It's a step each soul has to take - the sooner the better, because we are running out of linear time, and when that happens, it's like finding yourself on a sinking ferry and not knowing how to swim. Glub glub glub!

Even so, there's no need to fear. The only thing that happens to the unawakened is that they get recycled and turned into fertilizer for the next harvest of souls. The Awakened Ones master their own destiny and know what true freedom means.

Good luck on your vision quest!

[Originally posted as a couple of comments on ChanKelwin.com]

ENDING THE NIGHTMARE

The Magic Lantern (also known in German as 'The Lantern of Fear')

The phenomenal world is like a magic lantern show of moving images that ceaselessly change and distract from the ONLY authentic task at hand: clearing our neural and emotional circuitry so that we can individually emerge from our cocoons of illusory powerlessness and victimhood.

As each of us achieves Buddhahood and other degrees of spiritual maturity, the historical nightmare on this beautiful planet will abruptly end.

[Originally posted as a comment on Guru Maha Graha]


OWNING UP TO YOUR SHIT

Most of us are passive consumers of reality - shit happens and we bitch about it. Then one day a light bulb flashes on above our heads and we experience a eureka moment - like Pythagoras who exclaimed: "Astonishing! EVERYTHING IS INTELLIGENT!!!"

What that presumably meant was that he suddenly became conscious of the primordial consciousness permeating the quantum spacetime within sub-atomic dimensions - more poetically expressed by the mystical knowing that the Divine Dwells Within Our Innermost Core.

In effect, we are creators with a small 'C' who will eventually graduate to being Creators with a big 'C'- and then there will be nobody to blame when shit happens because it's only our own shit!

[Originally posted as a comment on Time of the Sixth Sun]


LAWS OF ATTRACTION AND DISTRACTION

Some friends screened a pirate DVD of The Secret at the Pertak Cineplex three years ago and I was impressed by the glib efficiency of the presentation but viewed the "docufeature" more as a glossy electronic brochure for the American Dream (I know Rhonda Byrne is Australian, but during the Howard years Australia was actually the 51st state of America; and, anyway, she shot most of The Secret in the US with American success gurus).

It's pointless to dismiss a product as popular and commercially successful as The Secret - obviously, like The Da Vinci Code, the DVD (and book) came out at just the right time and struck a resonant chord with consumers everywhere.

The so-called Law of Attraction has long been expounded by many esoteric teachings, though not in these exact terms. Our minds are holographic projectors that apparently reify whatever we vividly visualize or imagine, in accordance with the parameters of our belief systems. Some folks are better at focusing and others get distracted or short-circuited by contradictory beliefs and thoughts.

I don't begrudge Rhonda Byrne's hitting the jackpot with The Secret - indeed I'm more disturbed by J.K. Rowling's lucky strike with Harry Potter (which entertains but doesn't nourish). This is mainly because the basic principles taught by The Secret are sound and will ultimately lead those who practise the Law of Attraction to freeing themselves from the paralysis of victimhood.

I know most of us enjoy conflict and duality because we are addicted to drama (which I define as the dynamic interplay between light and dark, as in a shadow play). And so we enjoy getting an adrenaline rush from raging against rogue political regimes and greed-driven gargantuan multinational corporations.

But in moments of profound quietude, our mind clears and we know that God and Devil are ultimately the Dum and Dee of our bi-polar consciousness. And that's why it's healthy for us to occasionally disengage from getting emotionally drawn into adding our energy to disaster and tragedy scenarios like Darfur, Acheh, Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Iraq, Lebanon, Palestine, Haiti (and Malaysia, too, if we allow Umno to continue ruling!).

In the holographic universe, events occur across a broad spectrum of emotional charge - ranging from the heavenly to the hellish. At each moment the Awakened Soul chooses its own frequency location. For instance, if we consciously choose at the instant of our physical death to laugh rather than cry, that choice will serve as the trimtab (the tiny rudder that alters the course of a huge vessel) of our destination and destiny.


Somebody posed the question:

"What choice have we got? you have to vote for someone, and [the BN] are better qualified than any other."

First of all, one can choose to unsub totally from politics and simply ignore the elections. It may not be the wisest or most constructive course, but it's an option nevertheless. The next question:

"Who else would you vote for?"

Anybody else really - but only if they promise to abolish repressive laws and restore the mechanisms by which we can monitor the government's behavior and remove unethical politicians from office. And I'm positive that all the opposition candidates have sworn to abolish the ISA, OSA, and so on (that has to top the agenda).




"I hope for a better party to come along, everyone does."

There has NEVER been a level playing field for any political party that opposes the BN. The only time the BN lost its 2/3 majority was in 1969 - and that's what triggered the May 13 massacre. That 'better party' will NEVER come along unless we ALLOW it to! That means giving the underdog a chance. Vote DAP, vote PKR, vote PAS - just don't succumb to FEAR and vote BN!

"We're stuck with BN the same way we're stuck with Microsoft. They're not perfect, but what REAL choices have we got?"

This is what happens when you continue to read the GOP (Government-Owned Press) and watch TV. Voters' FEAR OF CHANGE is what has kept the stinking BN in power. And you DO NOT have to keep tolerating Microsoft. Switch to Mac or Linux. I did without a moment's regret.

"The honourable members of the opposition can't even write a press statement without glaring grammar mistakes."

Come on now, can the BN's Information Minister do any better? Such a barrage of kiasu nonsense you're spewing, my friend. No wonder this country is in such a mess!

Now... coming back to The Secret... I wonder if there's a market for a book on The Law of Distraction...

[Originally posted as a series of comments on Bibliobibuli]

John Lee on NAJIBONOMICS

Extracted from an essay, The Future of Najibonomics, by John Lee; posted at The Malaysian Insider on 1 March 2010...

The Barisan Nasional government is simply a ship of fools, content to lead us to disaster. They have no vision for the country, no idea of the massive challenges we face or any intention to face such challenges to begin with.

In terms of capital, it is no secret that net investments in Malaysia are dropping off a cliff. Until about halfway through the Abdullah Badawi administration, net investment on an annual basis was hovering somewhere near zero—that is to say, foreign investments coming in roughly equaled Malaysian investments going out.

To put this in more concrete terms, what this means is that foreigners are refusing to invest in Malaysia, and Malaysians insist on investing their money overseas.

A back of the envelope calculation suggests that last year, Malaysians invested almost as much money in the entire Australian property market alone as foreigners invested in the whole of Malaysia.

Investors, both Malaysian and foreign, have completely lost confidence in our country — nobody wants to put money in Malaysia, and so our savings are flowing out of the country, instead of being invested in local enterprise.

It’s no wonder people are losing faith in Malaysia. We have no plan to fix our fundamentals. Our school system discourages innovation in favour of accepting orders from above; our economic system stifles entrepreneurship in favour of corrupt rent-seeking.

Our prosperity is pump-primed by petroleum and forestry — when we run out of these resources, without any human capital or meaningful industrial enterprises, our economy will collapse.

John Lee is a third-year student of economics at Dartmouth College in the United States. He has been thinking aloud since 2005 at infernalramblings.com. Read the entire essay here.

WHEN BIGGER ISN'T BETTER...

Earthquakes and megacities –
a recipe for catastrophe

courtesy of National Geographic

WASHINGTON, Feb 28 – Megacities are something new on the planet. Earthquakes are something very old. The two are a lethal combination, as seen in the recent tragedy in Port-au-Prince, where more than 200,000 people perished — a catastrophe that scientists say is certain to be repeated somewhere, and probably soon, with death tolls that once again stagger the mind.

In 1800, there was just one city with more than a million people — Beijing. Now there are 381 urban areas with at least a million inhabitants. Urbanisation crossed a threshold last year when, for the first time, more people lived in city settings than rural ones.

About 403 million people live in cities that face significant seismic hazard, according to a recent study by seismologist Roger Bilham of the University of Colorado.

The next Big One could strike Tokyo, Istanbul, Tehran, Mexico City, New Delhi, Kathmandu or the two metropolises near California’s San Andreas Fault, Los Angeles and San Francisco. Or it could devastate Dhaka, Jakarta, Karachi, Manila, Cairo, Osaka, Lima or Bogota. The list goes on and on.

“You can name about 25 cities that are like Port-au-Prince. They’re not going to shake much but every 250 years (on average they will). So if you can name 25 of them, you’re going to have an event like this every 10 years,” said David Wald, a seismologist with the US Geological Survey.

In many vulnerable cities, people are effectively stacked on top of one another in buildings designed as if earthquakes don’t happen.

It is not the tremor that kills people in an earthquake but the buildings, routinely constructed on the cheap, using faulty designs and, in some cities, overseen by corrupt inspectors.

The difference between life and death is often a matter of how much sand went into the cement or how much steel into a supporting column. Earthquakes might be viewed as acts of God, but their lethality is often a function of masonry.

“In recent earthquakes, buildings have acted as weapons of mass destruction,” Bilham wrote in the journal Nature.

For years, earthquake scientists have shouted their warnings about the strong likelihood that a major quake would level an impoverished city and kill hundreds of thousands of people. They have said, for example, that Nepal’s Kathmandu, where masonry structures expanded so haphazardly that some eventually cantilever over narrow city streets, was every bit as vulnerable as the surrounding Himalayas are majestic. They have said that a million people could die in a major quake in Tehran, Iran.

What’s impossible, however, is knowing precisely which of these cities will be the next to crumble. Or when. For all practical purposes, scientists can’t predict earthquakes.

The theory of plate tectonics, largely developed since the 1960s, explains why earthquakes happen in general.

The major plates of the earth’s crust move constantly, creeping along at about the speed of fingernail growth. They rarely move smoothly past one another but are usually locked in place.

On a strike-slip fault of the type that ruptured in Haiti, strain builds on the fault line for decades or centuries. The fault in Haiti had not ruptured in 240 years.

An earthquake is a sudden, stress-relieving event. The fault is said to “break.” Scientists can map faults and estimate how much strain has accumulated since the last quake. What they can’t do is say that a given fault will break tomorrow or next year or 10 years from now. Any calculation of earthquake probabilities has a lot of slop in the numbers.

“The problem is, the slop is huge on a human time scale,” said Susan Hough, a seismologist with the US Geological Survey. “We’re wired to deal with the immediate. We’re not geared to plan and stress about things likely to happen in 30 years.”

Some large earthquakes have small precursors, called foreshocks, but others happen without warning. There is one famous case of earthquake prediction, in Haicheng, China, in 1975. A local official sounded the alarm after many foreshocks and reports of snakes emerging from hibernation. But that prediction was more akin to a hunch than a scientific argument. There have been countless, less publicised instances when predicted earthquakes did not materialize.

As Hough notes in her book “Predicting the Unpredictable,” the successful prediction of earthquakes was an official government mandate in Mao Zedong’s China, but no one foresaw the killer quake that took at least 240,000 lives in Tangshan in 1976.

Port-au-Prince had not been hit with a major quake since the days of French rule in the 18th century. Only in recent years have scientists mapped the fault that runs near the city.

“Just the beginning of work had been done. But enough was known that it could produce a big earthquake,” said Carol Prentice, a geologist with the US Geological Survey. “We knew it would be bad, but I didn’t imagine that it would be this bad.”

[Source: The Washington Post. Read the rest here.]