Thursday, September 11, 2014

A Closer Look At Anuses (revisited)

Extreme closeup of Umno's anus at 9:09 a.m. on 9 March 2008, after the party was sodomized by the Malaysian electorate. (Image courtesy of WritinMan)

This is how PUS... I mean PAS looked to the Malaysian electorate the morning after they discussed 'Islam and Malay Unity' in bed with Umno.

Saiful Bukhari's anus after Malaysiakini published Dr Mohamed Osman Abdul Hamid's report on its unravished condition.


MY LADY HAS A BEAUTIFUL ANUS

By John Kluivert

July 18, 2001


How do I love my lady's anus? Let me count the ways.

Have you seen her? Have you seen my beautiful lady and her anus? Unless you are an ex-boyfriend, her proctologist, or an art student in that class she modeled for, you probably have not have glimpsed the fairest orifice on God's green Earth. For this, you have my deepest sympathies.

I would put my lady's anus up against any of the legendary anuses of the past: Helen of Troy, Joan of Arc, Marie Curie, Eleanor Roosevelt. Even Cleopatra, who, according to legend, had a team of eunuchs apply balms and liniments with silken cloths to keep her anus and inner rectum immaculate, could not stand up to my lady. (My lady needs no such fripperies to be beautiful... though I do not hesitate to lavish them on her.) Lovely as Cleopatra's anus may have been, compared to my lady's, hers is a pustulent, lesion-ravaged hole.

My lady does not like me to go on and on about her anus, but how can I resist? When I look into that one brown eye, it's like gazing into a deep, untouched lake. Sometimes, it's as if I'm gazing through a taut, puckered window into her very soul, placing myself in danger of being hypnotized by the swirls of her rectum. Her anus is like a vessel I can't seem to fill with enough love, no matter how hard I try. I am not what one would call a holy man, but when I am gently kissing my lady's fragrant anus, I am convinced that there must be a higher power out there who made this sacred aperture.

As I am very protective of my lady's anus, few have seen it. Nevertheless, I am fond of waxing rhapsodic on its beauty. This can be difficult, though, for how does one describe the beauty of a Tuscan moon? How does one tell of the glory of the cosmos? Shakespeare would have written sonnets about it. Beethoven would have discarded his "Ode To Joy" in favor of "Ode To My Lady's Anus." And Raphael would have tried–and failed–to render its essence in oils. Lo, prodigious as these immortals' artistic gifts were, my lady's anus would have proven too elusive a muse for any of them to capture.

Yes, my lady's anus is a sight to behold. But it is not just a question of looks. For all its aesthetic loveliness, the greatest thing about my lady's anus is its personality. Sometimes silly, sometimes sad; sometimes dilated, sometimes clenched, it reveals a new wrinkle every time we meet.

Whether I see it reflected in candlelight during a romantic dinner or after it has just awakened from a night's slumber, my lady's anus is still as lovely to me as the first time I saw it. My friends say I won't feel the same way about it when it's 60. I disagree. It may lose that youthful glow, but this is the kind of anus that will only ripen with age. As further assurance, I once caught a glimpse of my lady's mother's anus and, as we all know, the apple does not fall far from the tree.

People say I'm spoiling my lady's anus by buying imported, hand-woven silk toilet paper. But do you polish a diamond with sandpaper? Do you restore the Mona Lisa with a hammer? My lady's anus deserves ruby and emerald enemas. Swabs of cotton soaked in the finest champagne. Anything less would be woefully inadequate for an orifice of such sublime beauty.

And don't even get me started on her perineum.


And now, an exclusive report from Down Under...

GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF AN UNWHOLESOME OBSESSION

March 23, 2005

HEARD of sphincter bleaching? Beauticians are billing it as the new Brazilian wax. "In the last couple of months I've had a lot of requests, so I've started some experiments," says Sydney beautician Anna Marsiano from The Bees' Knees salon.

"I've got one client who's a divorced woman with a couple of kids. She was looking at a Playboy magazine with her new boyfriend and he was making some comments about how clean and light the women looked. My client started to get a little paranoid."

Marsiano says she uses a herbal brand popular in the Philippines as a facial whitener. It is applied to the dark pigmentation around women's rectums as well as to their vaginal areas. Marsiano says the product does not damage the skin and has "rejuvenating" properties.

But another Sydney beautician, asked about her anal lightening equipment, produces a completely different product altogether. It's a cream that clearly states it is designed to be used on hair. This beautician has treated sex workers and strippers for years, but says mainstream demand has risen sharply over the past six months. She acknowledges that her long-term clients (many of whom come in for treatments every six weeks) suffer serious skin problems. "I explain that it will give them eczema and so on, but they want it anyway," she says.

Hard-line feminists will no doubt respond with an outraged "What will the misogynist patriarchy do to us next?" (possibly staging some sort of "reclaim the date" march). The cosmetic entrepreneurs, meanwhile, are bound to capitalise on the controversy by selling DIY backdoor bleaching kits (possibly along the lines of the personalised mouth moulds provided for teeth whitening).

As with all debates about society's relentless pursuit of beauty, however, the answer to "how much is too much?" is hard to ascertain.

The good news on sphincter bleaching is that it's safer than anything involving general anaesthetics or fat-vacuuming gizmos. The bad news is that you could be in for a lifetime of skid marks. The chairwoman of the Australian Medical Association's ethics committee, Rosanna Capolingua, says the use of harsh bleaching substances could cause anal burning and scarring. This, in turn, could lead to anal incontinence or an inability to pass stools at all.

Sound attractive? If the figures in the cost and reward equation don't add up, perhaps it's worth giving the bleach a miss and locating a lover who doesn't expect your bum to look like Barbie's.

NATIONAL ASSHOLES
(Unretouched photos from the archive)



 

    [First posted 28 July 2008. Updated 23 November 2015]                                                                          
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