Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Where Malaysia is headed (Part 2)

Picture this: the fat witch is now seated uneasily on the edge of the silk-canopied, empress-sized 4-poster bed, while her chubby hubby remains in kneeling position on his prayer rug.

Although having God in their bedroom on an informal visit is an entirely novel experience for "the first couple," their drawn faces reveal that they are utterly convinced this is the end of the line for them.

The overweight bitch-witch is uncharacteristically silent, preoccupied with a furtive thought or two, which I intercept with nonchalance. "That's right, Fattie, the talismans have lost their effect. Your Guruji has been chastised and demoted by his Master for dabbling with murky forces and delinquent spirits. Those who indulge in the dark arts quickly run out of charge like low-grade batteries."

"Er, sir... please don't hurt us, sir," pleads the crime minister, his pink lips quivering. "I promise... we'll... we'll repent!"

It never ceases to give me profound pleasure just watching the high-and-mighty beg for mercy. I notice the witch is muttering a desperate prayer under her breath, and burst out laughing. She looks at me blankly.

"Ha ha ha. The fella you're calling upon for assistance happens to be on leave. On very long leave, in fact. Not scheduled to reappear for the rest of this aeon. You'll probably find him jerking the ignorant and superstitious around for another 26,000 earthyears in the Quarantine Zone."

Absolute panic overtakes the witch and she begins to sob hysterically. "I don't want to spend eternity in hell," she whispers, more to herself than to me.

"Sorry to disappoint you both," I smile, "but no fate so melodramatic awaits you. I'm the God of Life and Love, not Death. Although I already know the answers, I would like the two of you to answer truthfully a few specific questions. Then we shall see about reparations. Divine retribution is not part of my repertoire. I believe in practical solutions and win-win scenarios."

A week later, as per my friendly suggestion, "the first couple" are granted a special audience with the Yang Di Pertuan Agong in the presence of the Opposition Leader and several prominent lawyers and judges.

They have confessed and formally declared the full inventory of their misdeeds and have signed an agreement which requires that they transfer 90% of their ill-gotten gains to the national treasury, in exchange for their freedom to begin life anew in a foreign country of their choosing as ordinary citizens. They will not be permitted to return to Malaysia for ten years and are forever disqualified from holding public office or getting involved with politics. The alternative is 15 years' imprisonment for the miscreants plus a RM60 million fine each.

The Opposition Leader is formally sworn in as the nation's seventh prime minister; an extraordinary parliamentary session is convened as a show of confidence in the new PM, and the reins of government are officially handed over to Pakatan Rakyat.

With the resignation of the crime minister, a sizeable majority of parliamentarians have either crossed over or formed independent parties, leaving Umno/BN with considerably less than one-third of the seats.

The Police Inspector General and Attorney General, having been seriously implicated by the crime minister and his witchy wife's confessions, are both under arrest pending formal charges of criminal complicity to defraud the public and thwart the course of justice.

A general amnesty is declared wherein those who have illegitimately enriched themselves over the past decades of Umno/BN misrule are granted freedom from prosecution, provided they permit independent auditors to evaluate their assets, visible and invisible.

As a generous gesture of reconciliation, offenders who willingly cooperate with the Royal Commission of Inquiry into the Misappropriation of Public Funds are granted a pardon in exchange for the return of 80-90% of their accumulated loot - and a permanent disqualification from running for public office.

[to be continued...]