Friday, April 8, 2016

FORNICATE FOR FREEDOM! (repost)



James Thurber (pictured right), the late great humorist, wrote a book called: IS SEX NECESSARY? I doubt he satisfactorily answered the question - but he sure came up with some hilarious cartoons.

I’ve spent years investigating sex and heaps of energy exploring its possibilities. I’m tempted to conclude - after more than four decades of extensive research - that sex is utterly incomprehensible and only good for selling breath mints, condoms, and earthmoving equipment.

Nevertheless, I won’t succumb to that temptation. Because sex keeps your hair looking great and your breath fresh. Bad hair days and stale breath only happen when you haven’t been laid for a while. Besides, I’m a Reichian at heart. Dr Wilhelm Reich, the late great psychoanalyst and student of the Life Force, maintained that a community of sexually gratified adults would never tolerate a dictatorship. What does this reveal about sexuality in Najib’s (or should I say Rosmah's) Malaysia?

Cartoon by James Thurber
Sex has very little to do with LOVE - which is mainly about being comfortable enough with another person to be able fart freely and gleefully in their presence. In the old days kids were introduced to the forbidden topic via the birds and the bees. How utterly boring. Animals, insects and plants simply reproduce their species. They don’t have sex for sex’s sake, like humans do. With animals, insects and plants sex is merely procreational - with us, it’s recreational.


But, then, basketball, ping-pong, snooker and tenpin bowling are also recreational. Why aren’t humans content with banging a few balls around and competing for points? Have I discovered some other activity as pleasurable as sex? Indeed I have. Turn me loose in a studio equipped with a wild assortment of musical instruments. I could make music for hours, and then light a cigarette and listen ecstatically to the playback. Making music is a joy that lasts for years. One way to make sex last for years is to make BABIES - but we won’t get into that now.

Cartoon by James Thurber
Everybody knows sex has two occupational hazards: pregnancy and disease. The lubricated latex sheath popularly known as a condom is touted as a prophylactic against either condition. Politically correct young women these days carry condoms in their handbags. I suppose older guys keep tongkat ali in their pouches to suck on whenever an opportunity arises to display their tantric prowess.

Folks, there’s nothing ELECTRICAL about sex. Don’t believe all that mystical mumbo-jumbo. Sex is all mechanical pumping action - and we’re only hydrocarbon-protein machines. Feelings? Hrrrmph, just a fancy option, a fashion accessory, that’s all. And BIOMAGNETISM has little to do with the passionate desire to fuse with another aspect of oneself. But hold on a friggin’ second: aren’t we ultimately aspects of one another, somehow interconnected, genetically or karmically, etherically or financially, mythically or science-fictionally?

Forget it! Go ahead and rubberize your erotic experience! Lace your sexual intercourse with latex! Insulate your appendage (if you have one)! Better safe than swollen, heh heh!

Quite frankly, "safe sex” with condoms conducted in condominiums sounds like we’re more than halfway to hell. Some say danger is a potent aphrodisiac, and I’m no stranger to danger, though we don’t often meet (indeed, we tend to avoid each other). But amor omnia vincit. True love ultimately triumphs over tragedy, I say.


Of course, we could easily bypass all these sticky problems by breeding sex entirely out of our bastardized gene pool. Let’s sew up those tiny slits at birth. Lop off those dangly bits - why stop at prepuces? Within a few in vitro generations we won’t even remember we once “did it” just like the chimpanzee, the donkey, the duck, and the dog does it. Ah, let me wax lyrical here...

Never too late to self-castrate
And change your name to Fidel Castro.

Sweet is the date that grows on palms

And fills our calendars.

Why masturbate? Emancipate

Your hand from demeaning work.

We anticipate, as we replicate

Ourselves by scientific procedure,

A cleaner, purer world

Totally devoid of jerks.



My answer to James Thurber’s question: IS SEX NECESSARY? Probably not - but it’s essentially how humans experience Einstein’s Unified Field Theory. The urge to conjugate and unite is well-nigh irresistible, and our souls certainly derive nourishment from physical intimacy.

However, the insertion of fear and guilt into the copulation equation has made sex a mere commodity. Labies and genitalmen, we cannot allow that to happen. Fornicate FEARLESSLY and GUILTLESSLY and regain your freedom. At least from bad hair days and sewer breath.

[Originally published in the January 2005 edition of  VIDA! First posted 24 October 2013]



9 comments:

Pat said...

And in the spirit of all this sex, I have this one to share - an 'Ouch!' one, but that's the kinda mood I'm in ;)

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day but because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

The next day the Pope is called, and Hell's staff bid him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope.

"No problem," replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life, I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

uppercaise said...

Antares, I need to contact you privately.

Antares said...

Pat - Thanks for the Virgin Mary joke (only works if you assume the pope is assured a place in heaven :-)

Uppercaise - My email address is on my Blogger profile.

uppercaise said...

Aiyah sometimes I so stupid.

Anonymous said...

Nice joke on others religion...

Next time pls try just to draw a cartoon fugure on the other religion and see the response.

lgcsdv said...

antares,
do u want to go to heaven?

masterymistery said...

Very amusing! I'm a big fan of James Thurber myself.

I've got to say I'm looking forward to the time when sex does not completely fill my mind every waking hour. It's been a real obstacle.

masterymistery at cosmic rapture

Awang Goneng said...

Thurber wrote "Is Sex Necessary?" with E.B.White. Perhaps the answer to the question could be found in his other work, "Six Day Bicycle Racing As A Sex Substitute." Good to meet someone who appreciates Thurber. My favourite of his cartoons was "I thought I heard a seal bark."

Antares said...

Anon @ 9:29AM - Any religion devoid of a sense of humor and totally ungrounded in common sense and reason is most certainly a soul-trap. You sound like a polite and gentle person who deserves freedom from low-quality software.

LGCSDV - Already more than halfway there, buddy. You're welcome to join me!

MasteryMistery - Just enjoy sex while you can, bro. On his deathbed Timothy Leary was asked if he had any regrets. He thought about it for a while before replying with a deep sigh: "I wish I had fucked a whole lot more."

Awang Goneng - A real pleasure to read your learned comment, sir! You are indeed a rare Malaysian with genuine aesthetic sense :-)