Saturday, May 3, 2008

Raja Petra Kamarudin: TO HELL AND BACK!

I have long suspected that Raja Petra Kamarudin aka RPK aka Uncle Pete is an escapee from the Marvel Comics Universe. His true life exploits equal or surpass any to be found within the paneled layouts of those hallowed (and often yellowed) pages inhabited by a pantheon of wondrous beings spawned by the feverish imaginations of Jewish creator gods with names like Stan Lee and Steve Ditko. RPK's latest adventure takes place in the Null Zone Fortress known by the code name "Peace Hill." He had been accused of saying nasty things about Malaysia's Deputy Prime Minister and his gross wife in connection with a sensational Mongolian murder case. Below is RPK's dramatic "Tale of Two Rajas" told in his own inimitable words...

The police officer told me that a police report had been made against me but when I asked to see a copy of the police report they could not produce it. The police officer walked around the room pondering what to do and then sat down again and said he does not know where the police report is. In fact, he had never even seen it.

I then told the police officer that I too had made a police report against the CID Director, Bakri Zinin, after he assaulted me in March 2001. What happened to that police report, I asked him, and why was nothing done about it?

He replied that he does not know anything about that police report and I told him that we are not going to discuss this new police report made against me until we first settle the matter of the police report that I made in March 2001. That was seven years ago, I said, and nothing has been done about it. I do not wish to talk about a police report made against me just a few days ago.

I then asked under what section is my statement going to be taken. Is it under Section 112? When the police officer replied ‘yes’, I then asked him whether he was going to read me my rights under this cautioned statement? Before he could reply I replied, “Never mind. Let me teach you some law. Let me tell you the terms and conditions of Section 112.” By then my lawyer, YB William Leong, looked rather lost. He had absolutely no idea where this whole thing was leading to.

“Under Section 112, I must reply to all questions, right?” The police officer nodded and I shot back with, “Well, I refuse to make any statement.” He gave me a blank look so I repeated, “I am not going to make a statement. I refuse to make a statement.”

I saw the police officer’s mouth open as if he wanted to say something but the words just seemed to elude him. “Look,” I said, “Under Section 112, I can’t refuse to make a statement. If I do then you have to arrest me. So arrest me now.”

By now he was completely disoriented and did not know how to react. “No, we are not like that,” he said. “We don’t want to arrest you. We just want to record your statement.”

“Well, I refuse to give my statement so it is now your duty to arrest me. That is your job. If you don’t arrest me your boss will fuck you. So arrest me now.” I held out my arms so that he could cuff them.

The police officer gave a very nervous laugh and looked at YB William with a ‘please help me out’ look on his face. YB William shrugged his shoulders and pointed to me in a ‘that is between you and him, I am not involved’ gesture.

“You are not giving me any alternative,” lamented the police officer.

“Hey, don’t say that. I am giving you an alternative. We can either both walk out of here and I will buy you a beer or you can throw me in the lockup. This is Friday evening so I will not be brought before a magistrate until Monday morning. That means you have me for two whole nights.”

“I don’t drink,” the police officer replied.

“What? You don’t smoke and don’t drink? What’s become of the Malaysian police force? It has certainly gone downhill from the old days. What sins do you have anyway? You must have at least one.”

“I think his sin must be that other one,” YB William butted in with a twinkle in his eyes, the first sound he had made in all that time.

"No, no, that one also no,” the police officer quickly clarified lest he receive an invitation to adjourn to Jalan Alor for some merriment.

“Look,” I said. “You either arrest me or else in five minutes I am going to stand up and walk out of here. Once I walk out of here I do not want to see your face again. I tak mahu tengok muka you lagi. Either arrest me or leave me alone for the rest of my life. Don’t disturb me anymore. And if you come to my house again I will refuse to open the door. You will have to shoot the door down to get into my house.”

“No lah. Don’t talk like that. I just have to take your statement, that’s all, or else my boss will screw me.”

“Okay, I don’t want your boss to fuck you. You look like a nice guy and we Rajas must support each other (yes, the police officer was an Indian named Raja). So I will give you five minutes to go talk to your boss to ask him what you should do while I go smoke a cigarette. In five minutes I am out of here and you will never see me again.”

Raja put me in the ‘smoking’ area of the office while he went to see his boss. In a short while another three police officers joined us and we went through the entire process again for the next two hours. Eventually they had no choice but to let me walk out of Bukit Aman without recording my statement.

Rest assured, though, this is not the end yet. They will be coming back for round two so we shall have to see what round two is going to be before we decide what is going to happen. The bottom line is, either they get off my back or they throw me in jail and throw away the key. I could not be bothered one bit what it is going to be. I am prepared for the worst. My objective is plain and simple. Altantuya’s murderers are going to be sent to hell. And I don’t mind going to hell myself to see this happen.

Good night, Bukit Aman, wherever you are.

Signing off, Raja Petra, now operating from a cyber cafĂ©…… sigh.

Read the entire story here.

[Illustrations courtesy of Marvel Comics]