Sunday, January 15, 2012

Silly Jokes Sunday

When An Insect Falls Into A Mug Of Beer...

Englishman - Throws his mug away and walks out.

Scotsman - Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

American - Threatens to sue the pub. Gets an extra beer on the house. Then he takes the insect out and drinks both beers. Later he writes a bestselling book: "Who Says There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Beer?")

Singaporean - Observes the American and apes him.

Italian - Calls the waiter over and knees him in the groin. The worried manager agrees to serve him 5 free beers a day if he will just drink them peacefully and stop molesting the barmaid.

Chinese - Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian - Sells beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani - Accuses the Indian of throwing an insect into his beer. Relates the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for military aid. Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

Malay - Considers himself under arrest and meekly follows the insect back to the Religious Affairs Department where he pays a hefty fine for consuming the forbidden Al-Kohol.

I'm Lost!

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"


POWERS OF OBSERVATION

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"


Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"Is that all?" Holmes asked.

"Yes," Watson replied, "Why, am I missing something?"

Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke:

"Watson, you dickhead. Someone has stolen the fucking tent."

ASIAN JOKE

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he received the previous week.

The lady answers, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out and, just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

KERMIT AT THE BANK

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says,"Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

4 comments:

Pat said...

When you can't beat 'em join 'em, sweetypie?! Hahahah!

I see you saved the best one for last: it got a big laugh and a clap-clap-clap from this Patti! :)

Mr Bojangles said...

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

He also was a very spiritual person.

Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.

He was known as the super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Geoff Granfield said...

I'm sorry Mr Bojangles but I didn't see the joke in your post. Anyway, for what it's worth, maybe you can refer him to dentist in clifton park ny clinic. There's the rub. ;)

Antares said...

@Geoff Granfield - If you've seen the movie Mary Poppins you'd instantly get Mr Bojangles's joke. There's a well-known song in there called "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" that precocious kids enjoyed learning by heart and singing very fast to impress their parents.