Wednesday, July 1, 2009

WHAT da fuck gives YOU da right?

I've been smoking since I was 15. Women, they come and go. Tobacco stays. I'm not into beer or whisky, not even the occasional Shandy. Alcohol I can live quite happily without. But I'd fight to the death for my right to light up and enjoy a quiet, untroubled smoke. Without being forced to look at gruesome, ugly images conjured by the world's greatest hypocrites - the World Health Organization.

That's right. The same scam that brought us Herpes, AIDS, SARS, cock & bull flu. They have the power to quarantine you if you so much as sneeze as you go through the airport scanners. They can order schools closed, borders sealed, entire cities evacuated. WHO says it cares about World Health. Yup. Health is BIG business. One of the biggest. After warfare.

I can't remember exactly when these so-called Government Health Warnings first began to appear on cigarette packs. Perhaps in the early 1990s (when George Herbert Walker Bush announced the New World Order). But I sure miss the good old days when all you saw on a pack of cigarettes were cheerful, positive statements like: "Where Particular People Congregate" or "Finest Virginia Blend" or "By Special Appointment to Buckingham Palace, Purveyors of Fine Tobacco Since 1828" or simply "London. New York. Paris. Vladivostok."

Don't these pompous idiots in white smocks realize the great evil they are helping to perpetrate by bombarding us with such negative thoughts and images? If they genuinely desire to promote human health, wealth and welfare, shouldn't they use their collective clout as medical professionals to campaign against patently lethal things like nuclear weapons, depleted uranium, industrial pollution and warfare?

Assuming the Health Authorities are truly sincere about discouraging people from smoking, don't you think they would achieve far better results if they went with upbeat, positive advice on every pack of cigarettes instead of manipulating and reinforcing people's fear of disease and death? A far more acceptable Government Health Warning might read:


Now if they could persuade the tobacco companies to quit putting toxic additives into their commercial blends just to make their cigarettes burn faster - and forbid tobacco farmers from spraying their crops with pesticides - that would be a laudable effort I'd happily support.

Indigenous peoples have enjoyed tobacco for thousands of years. They regard smoking as a sacred ritual. Tobacco represents the plant kingdom, growing from the fertile soil of Mother Earth. When tobacco smoke passes into the lungs it is charged with love from the heart chakra. As the smoke is exhaled, it is blessed with a sense of gratitude for life's pleasures, small and great, and offered as a fragrant incense to Father Sky. This is the sacred meaning of smoking when performed as a conscious ritual. Done this way smoking cannot harm you. Indeed, it can be viewed as a universal form of prayer, honoring the mystical connection between Heaven, Earth and Humanity.

When governments take on the role of nannies, their insincerity and hypocrisy invariably shows. If your government genuinely cares for you, it will channel every effort towards eliminating war from this planet. War not only kills millions of innocents, civilians as well as soldiers - it also contaminates the environment and causes massive damage to ecosystems (think about Agent Orange, radioactive fallout, unexploded bombs and landmines!) The number of war casualties since the beginning of recorded history exceeds by far the number of people who have succumbed to diseases related to smoking. So how come there are no Government Health Warnings printed on every military uniform and painted on every tank, jetfighter and aircraft carrier?

How many people have been killed every day on the roads since the invention of the automobile? Why doesn't the government introduce a law requiring car manufacturers to emblazon every new vehicle with grisly images prominently displayed on the bonnet?

Would you pay RM3.5 million to charge around in one of these?

[Vomit-inducing images supplied by Delan Goh]
I'm aware that smoking and non-smoking are emotional issues, not too different from respect or disrespect for organized religions. The views I offer are entirely subjective. Militant non-smokers are bound to get uptight when they read this post. Just as hardcore Umno members get all rigid whenever they see the phrase Ketuanan Rakyat.

My own honest opinion about smokers and non-smokers is that I've always felt a lot more comfortable and relaxed around people who smoke - whether cigarettes, pipes, cigars, bongs or reefers. My non-smoking friends, as a broad category, tend to be more disciplined, ascetic, fastidious, judgmental and strong-willed (read "somewhat anal" :-). They're the ones who get up with the sun and go jogging and enjoy munching on raw celery. Not that they're actually healthier than my smoking, non-jogging friends... just more uptight and self-righteous about maintaining their precious daily routines.

I used to really enjoy travel, in happier days when you'd be asked at check-in counters, "Smoking or non-smoking? Window or aisle?" Aircraft seemed to have more legroom those days (nope, I haven't grown taller; but as planes get bigger, legroom appears to shrink, mainly because profit-greedy accountants and marketing slicks now run the show). After being served a meal, the smokers at the back of the plane would unfasten their seat belts and light up. Often, conversations with strangers sitting across the aisle would begin at that point. True, non-smokers often complained that their clothes reeked of stale cigarette smoke after the flight - but at least the atmosphere in the planes was a great deal more cheerful and pleasant, especially before the word "terrorism" was invented by the CIA's spindoctors. And your clothes will reek of stale smoke coming out of a pub anyway... unless smoking is banned throughout the world... and drinking too (or else a couple billion nerve-wracked tobacco addicts suffering cold turkey will be tearing up the pavements on berserk drunken binges).

Next will be oral, anal and non-procreative sex. Mark my words, all ye would-be-banners of simple pleasures. One of these days you'll find yourself accosted and detained for grinning too broadly whilst some eager young stud is sucking you off under the table... and you'll end up having to service a prison blockful of hardcore criminals (mostly from Umno/BN, be warned!) for the next 20 years with no weekends off.

You call that PROGRESS
Smoking can cause your dick to get big and hard - that's what I call a warning!

(First posted as a comment on Malaysia Today)